You Won’t Find Forgiveness Here

You’ve made a lot of stupid decisions in your life, but hurting me was probably one of the worst. For the last three years, you’ve been able to lean on me when you’ve needed too. When all else fails and shit hits the fan in your life, you call me. Without questions asked, I come running to be the person you need when you need it.

Neither of us are perfect.

We’ve done some of the worse to one another. I’m not proud of my actions, and if I could take them back, I would. I’ve been honest and apologetic for my mistakes, but you can’t say the same. You’ve said some terrible things to me, but this trumps all. This trumps every shitty response. This trumps every other girl I’ve known about. This trumps all of the lies.

This is unforgivable.

What you said to me hurt me in ways you can’t even imagine. You said it so easily. You said it as if it was something you’d been wanting to say to me for so long. You said it and didn’t think about the impact it would have on me as a person, especially coming from you. You don’t say what you said to me and expect me to forget it. You don’t say what you said to anyone and expect them to carry anything but hatred for you.

You’ve made a lot of terrible decisions in your past, but this was probably the worst thing you’ve ever done. You don’t realize that your actions and your words have consequences, but soon you will. Soon, something in your life will go wrong and the earth around you will begin to shatter. You’ll then pick up to call me. I promise you, I won’t answer. You’ve lost that privilege. I’ve known about the other girls before, after, and even during me. I’ve turned a blind eye because I loved you. This isn’t something I can do that for. You’ve now lost your biggest supporter. You’ve now lost the only person in your corner who actually knew the real you and decided to stay. You’ve just lost.

You’ve made a lot of terrible decisions, sure. But YOU were my most terrible decision. I never should’ve let you touch me. I never should’ve laid with you. I never should’ve come running when you didn’t deserve it. I never should’ve offered you the best parts about myself. I never should’ve wasted my heart on you.

Not too far off, you’ll pick up the phone and try to reach out. I’m begging you not to.

You won’t find forgiveness here.