Your Best Personality Traits, According to The Zodiac Killer

Dear Editor,

This is the Zodiac speaking. Are you surprised to hear from me after all this time? I have done a lot of thinking. Man is the most dangerous animal but man has good traits too. Man is unique and that is what makes man thrilling. When I die I will be reborn in paradise but until then I lay awake nights thinking about my victims and their best personality traits. Many women have given me brush offs during the years, but before that I saw their best. I know what they are like. I can read them because they are simple, and I am intuitive. Here is what I know to be true.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You are wild and full of energy. You are quick-witted, and that is what makes you fun. People love your excitable spirit. You are not an easy one to corner and that makes the hunt so much more exciting. I will enjoy stalking you and outwitting you. Perhaps you will lead me on a chase but no matter, you cannot outrun me.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

You are loving and reliable, and make a great, supportive friend. You are patient and determined, and that will make this easy. You keep your promises and are always on time, so I will have no trouble finding you. I will study you and learn your routine and then interrupt that very routine.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You are communicative and intellectual, which is very unique. You never stop learning, and love to share your knowledge. With all you know, you are adaptable and versatile which will make you hard to trap. You will most likely find a way to turn the situation around on me, but not for long. I will be one step ahead. I too am versatile. I am clever. More clever than the police, who will never catch me.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You are emotional and loving. You are sympathetic toward others and a great listener. I get awfully lonely when ignored so maybe you will show me the care I crave. Maybe you will feel sorry for me and I will catch you that way. You are cautious so this will not be easy. But I will make it work. I will show you how your emotions make you weak.

Leo (July 23 – August 21)

You are generous. You find your happiness in giving to others. You are also creative, so you often give to others through your art. I too am creative. I have created a cipher that the Blue Meanies will never crack. When I write to say it was me who got you, they will not know me other than as the Zodiac.

Virgo (August 22 – September 23)

You are modest and shy, which makes you humble. I am not like you. I need to brag about my accomplishments. We are both meticulous though, with an eye for detail. Only my eye for detail means no one will catch me after I catch you. I leave no prints behind. I am the most careful.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

You are romantic and charming, and that is what draws people to you. You make everyone feel at ease, and will try to charm me into letting you go. It will not work. Like I have always said, I am crack proof. I cannot be broken, I will never be caught.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

You are determined, which makes you powerful. You get what you want, and don’t let anything stand in your way. Just like me. I get what I want. You are so determined that you will run. Maybe you will get away. One got away from me once. But I learned from her, so I don’t think it will happen again.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)

You are good-humored and jovial. You love to laugh and to make others laugh. I saw “The Exorcist” recently and think it was the best satirical comedy that I have ever seen. Maybe you have good taste and think this too. Despite your humor I will have no remorse killing you. It will make me laugh like you make others laugh.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 20)

You are practical. You think logically and love to plan. You are also disciplined which helps you to succeed. But you cannot plan for what you don’t see coming. You won’t know where or when I will get you. I know. I have a plan. I am capable of doing something nasty.

Aquarius (January 21 – Feb 19)

You are friendly, which helps you to easily fit into new groups. You are also independent and not reliant on these groups. Your independence means no one will notice when you first disappear. They will find your body, but not right away. They will think you went off on your own and did not tell anyone. They will not realize until many days have passed.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

You are imaginative. People admire your creative mind. You are also compassionate and love to help others. You are so selfless. I wish I could be selfless but I cannot, I must collect my slaves for the afterlife, where there is a paradise waiting for me.

-Z

PS Could you print this on your front page? Don’t bury me on the back pages like some of the others. You would hate to see what more I am capable of if this were to be buried away.