Your High School Reunion Is Going To Suck


Howdy Sawyer High Grizzlies!

I hope you all remember me. I’m Jasmine! I was Senior Class President way back in 2002. I know, that’s like, forever ago, but they’re memories I cherish. I’m sure you feel the same way, which is why you’re going to be SO STOKED to find out that it’s finally time for us to start planning our big 10 year Class Reunion!

We won’t be able to put on this fantastic event without YOUR support, so please fill out the enclosed form listing any and all duties you’d be willing to volunteer for. Also, there’s a handy section where you can leave suggestions for the Planning Committee.

[NOTE: Please be aware that we have already gotten the suggestion, “Cancel the event, because we all have Facebook and don’t have to go to any stupid reunion to see how ugly our classmates have gotten.” No need to pile on.]

Before I get into crazy specifics about the reunion, let me introduce you to my esteemed colleagues on the Planning Committee.

Of course, I’m Committee Chair. It’s a real honor to get to lead you Grizzlies one more time.

At a moment like this, I am reminded of our epic victory over Merced High School in the 2000 Section Championship in hog farming. We all had Grizzly Pride that day! RAWR! GO GRIZZ!

Then there’s Chad Peters, my Vice Chair. He was captain of the football team and a former Abercrombie & Fitch model. He’s been REAL busy since we all graduated!

He went to Los Angeles to pursue acting, and is now teaching an unaccredited course in Egyptology at a local Correspondence School. His self-published textbook, detailing his theory that the Pyramids were constructed by a race of hyper-intelligent badgers, will be available at the entrance to the Social Hall. Don’t forget to pick up a copy!


Chad has child support payments.

While on the subject of notable Sawyer alumni, my favorite success story is Emily Latimer. The first legally blind 8th grade Sunday School teacher in the history of the Seventh Day Adventist church! Congrats!

Don’t worry, Emily! There will be an open bar! Just don’t expect Chad to give you a ride home. He had his license revoked.

Speaking of the bar, our very own Courtney Skriggs will be manning the cocktail area, bringing the talents she honed at El Guarocito Mexican Restaurant, right off the 99 in Chowchilla! Be sure to stop in and ask for a Rusty Trombone. I heard from class clown, Dan Finger, that it’s her specialty!

There are so many fantastic events planned for the weekend. First and foremost is the Meet & Greet, scheduled for Saturday afternoon. We’re going to meet at Applegate Park around 2ish. It’s a Pot Luck deal, so ladies, this is your chance to whip up your best meals and impress the other Grizzly Girls. And don’t forget to bring your youngsters!

[ATTN: NED BAXTER — Ned, it has come to my attention that you are currently registered with the State of California as a Sex Offender. While your position as a City Councilman is impressive, that doesn’t detract from how disappointed we are in your erotic proclivities. If you choose to attend this event, be sure to let all the parents know. Also, you’ll be required to bring one extra side dish as punishment. FYI, my preference is for some sort of mac & cheese. JUST NO DESSERTS! There are always way too many desserts.]

After the Meet & Greet wraps up somewhere around 3:30, we’ll reconvene at the Elks Lodge Social Hall for a rocking good time. Other than the aforementioned open bar, there will also be tunes spun by local favorite, DJ Toyota Camry, aka my cousin, Frank. All I ask is that you don’t call him Frank when you request a song. When he’s working, you have to call him DJ Toyota Camry, or “Toy Cam” for short.

Toy Cam will spin all your favorite hits of the era, from the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want it That Way” all the way to an old favorite that we used to play during halftime at the football games: “Last Resort” by Papa Roach. Boy, that song always got me feeling positive vibes about our GRIZZLIES! RAWRARLL!

It just gets me pumped up!

Sunday is the Talent Show. I know there’s a lot of fantastic performers in Grizzly-ville, so this is your time to shine! Hosting will be Sawyer High’s resident celebrity, star of the hit TLC reality series, Oh Crap, I’m a Teen Mom…and a Midget!, Marcy Ewing!

Talent Show registration starts ASAP, so don’t get left out!

[NOTE: I was told that the class of 2001 Reunion had a lot of problems with, shall we say, more ‘adult’ talents being displayed in an unauthorized fashion. Due to that, golf balls, ping-pong balls and baseball bats are no longer allowed to be used as ‘props’ in the Talent Show. Thank you for your cooperation. Sorry, Joe! Can’t show us that legendary swing, I guess!]

Again, if y’all have any suggestions for events during the weekend, fill out the enclosed form! Those of us on the committee will happily read each and every one of them [except the filthy or racist ones. We have a special drawer for those.]







You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.

image – Nicole Yeary