Your Relationship On The Internet Vs. Real Life
By Shawn Binder
Internet: WE’RE SO MADLY IN LOVE, just look at us. We’re always commenting on each other’s pictures and statuses because we’re so connected. LOVE YOU 5EVER, BABE.
Real Life: We haven’t had sex in two weeks and sometimes I wonder if he is more invested in Bravo shows than our relationship.
Internet : Look at this Instagram picture of us at this cute sushi restaurant where there are paper lanterns and mood lighting. We go on dates like this all the time; we’re part time foodies and full time lovers!
Real Life: Do you want to order three pizzas from Papa Johns eat them in our underwear and rub each other’s bellies afterwards?
Internet: “Love spending the day in bed with my boo!”
Real: I have food poisoning from that hole in the wall burrito place he insisted we go to, but I’m so lucky I have him to bring me saltines and rub my back as we watch documentaries all day.
Internet: We’re always out with friends; we blend our social circles so well and we’re always on the go. We’re not like other couple who stop socializing, we’re a cool couple.
Real Life: This week we consumed three seasons of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and only left the house for take-out and lube.
Internet: Look at this picture of my babe asleep on me! He is just the most adorable and precious angel.
Real Life: He snores loudly and farts in his sleep. Sometimes he even steals the covers but he lets me big little spoon so I stifle the urge to smother him with a hypoallergenic pillow.
Internet: Look at us drinking mojitos at this cool rooftop bar overlooking the city! $15 dollars a drink may be expensive, but we just love the classy life!
Real Life: Want to get some $3 Trader Joe’s wine and make out? Perfect. Date night!
Internet: “Look at this picture of my baby and I at our friend’s wedding! Such a stud”
Real Life: He’s lucky I put on pants today let alone a button up. I haven’t showered or shaved in 48 hours and I may smell like a Frito because this is real, this is me.
Internet: Here is a picture of us at this crazy huge house party! We spent the night mingling and making new friends.
Real Life: Right after the picture was taken we had to leave the party and spent 30 minutes in the Wendy’s drive-through as he threw up his 1.5 beers. He also insisted on listening to Roar on repeat and kept screaming at people on the sidewalk. Love you, hon.