Your Skincare Routine For The End Of The World


1. Prep your skin for your dystopian day-to-day activities. A lot of that involves screaming into the dark and hapless void of the internet or sometimes directly into your pillow. Spritz some fucking Glossier rose water on your face to experience the smallest dosage of surface-level happiness before you remember that the world is ending.

2. Wash your face with a sulfate-free cleanser. Why sulfate-free? Actually, it doesn’t even matter what you wash your face with because the world is over. Splash some water on your face and try to force yourself to think about how nice it is to wake yourself up with cold water. Mmmm cold water. Cold water. Cold. Oh my god, climate change. The U.S. is out of the Paris Accord. Scream into your sink and hear it echo back into your ears, before you turn the water off and gently try to suffocate yourself with a wash cloth.

3. You can use natural, household items like baking soda to gently scrub away dead skin. Or you could just pour hot coffee into your eyes so you don’t have to see Donald Trump’s twitter feed ever again.

4. Time to tone! Toning is, like, sooooo important in treating any dullness or breakouts you may be experiencing—presumably as a direct result of using Cheez-Its as a comfort food for every single CNN alert you receive on your phone.

5. Serums are a great way to brighten your complexion, which is surely ashy and tear-stained from spending your entire day staring at screens and crying. Definitely pat a couple of drops on your cheeks and forehead, as you ponder what fresh hell the rest of the day will bring and whether it’s actually worth it to look into moving to Canada. Is any place safe at this point? Do serums actually do anything?

6. Most important: moisturizing!!!! You definitely can’t find yourself at the peak of our newfound dystopian society with dry skin. Yeah the world is ending, but god forbid you’re flaky while it’s happening. It’s crucial you embrace the end of the world with PLUMP and MOISTURIZED skin and LIPS. Coconut oil will fix everything. Except for the state of the country, obviously. We’ve already tried.

7. Finally, dab little droplets of under eye cream onto the dark and sullen bags under your eyes. Don’t forget to use your ring finger! You used to think the eyes were the windows to the soul, but now you’re wondering if anyone has a soul anymore. Definitely pile on the layers of moisture here because you’re going to be spending a lot of time rubbing your eyes out of the emotional and physical exhaustion that comes from explaining basic human rights to other human beings.