You’re Catcalling All Wrong: A Guide To Proper Catcalling For Men

I understand. Us women, we’re wonderful. Between our delicious curves, soft skin and intriguing walk, how can you NOT say something. But men, I’m not going to lie to you, you are appreciating us all wrong. So I have decided to let you in on some secrets on how to catcall the  proper way. I know your intentions are good, you’re just going about it all very wrong.

Step 1. Know your intentions.

Be aware that age is important. If you are old enough to be this woman’s father, just don’t even bother. It’s never comfortable for us. This especially includes you if you are in front of a construction site. But if you just can’t resist because your tongue has more power than your brain, try some the following:

“You look wonderful today, Ma’am.” *proceed to shut up*

“That outfit is really beautiful.” *proceed to shut up*

“If you don’t mind my saying, you are a very beautiful woman.” *proceed to shut up*

See the pattern here? Leave it at that. She may or may not say thank you but she has no obligation to respond. Don’t follow her for forty miles, don’t ask any personal questions, don’t touch her and most importantly, don’t whistle or make any other foreign sounds you would normally use to call an animal over. If your only intention was to pay her a compliment, you have done what you have set out to do.

*quick tip! – Distance is important. If you are far enough away to where you have to yell in order to pay this compliment as you scurry off like a coward, just don’t. Unless you like looking like a spineless coward, then by all means go for it!*

Step 2. Asking her out.

Now, if your intention is to actually ask this beautiful magnificent creature of a woman out, we can’t stop you (trust me, we wish we could). If you just can’t resist, here is the proper way to go about it:

First, make sure she is not in a hurry, on the phone, pretending to be on the phone, listening to music, glaring at you already, about to cross the street, running or trembling in fear etc. And I repeat, if the age difference is father-daughter compatible…don’t.

Now, always get her attention the proper way. Remember – she is not an animal, so whistling or using two letter words aren’t suitable. Simply say, ’excuse me (ma’am).’ If she stops and turns around, great. If not, oh well, she must be in a hurry.  If she stops and turns around, approach with a smile and say something along the lines of:

“I just had to stop you and tell you I think you are very beautiful, and would be honored to take you out some time. Do you like Italian?”

If she giggles and gives you the time of day – score! If she says no, says she’s in a relationship, says she’s a lesbian, says ‘hell no GTF away from me,’ or anything of that nature, oh well! You tried. You can’t win them all.

Step 3. Places and times not to catcall.

There are a lot of places and situations that are just downright annoying to talk to someone during/at, let alone catcall! I think I speak for all women when I say, please don’t talk to me if I’m:

– In the beauty, feminine care, makeup, clothing etc. portion of any store. I am not trying to get hit on, just trying to buy my mascara and tampons.

– Walking so quickly down the street you would think I’m in an invisible marathon.

– If it’s dark, don’t even LOOK at me the wrong way

– At the gym, unless I am obviously eye-f****** you from across the treadmills, most of the time I’m just trying to keep breathing, not trying to have a ten minute conversation.

– Listening to music, on the phone, pretending to be on the phone, staring blankly at my phone, shuffling in my purse for a long period of time…these are all things girls will do to look fake-busy in the hopes that you won’t bother us.

*quick tip! – Even the shyest of girls will signal to a guy subtly that she is interested. And trust me, a catcall or, more properly, a compliment from a guy we’re already attracted to can brighten our day. So If she is glancing at you, smiling at you, shyly catching your eyes and looking away (I’m shy, so that is usually what I do), these are all good signs to approach or pay that respectful compliment*

Step 4. Phrases to never use when catcalling.

“Ay, ma, come here, baby, sexy, tits, ass, anything penis related, gorgeous, yo, *whistle*, hey you in the *insert color* shirt, you looking good in *insert clothing*, any curse word such as damn, how are you (asked while she is quickly walking past you),etc.”

Now I know for some of you that rules out a lot of your compliment tactics but here are some better words and phrases to use:

“Beautiful, excuse me, pardon me, wow, exceptional, magnificent, breathtaking, eyebrows are on fleek today, if you don’t mind, I don’t mean to be brash but, wonderful, positively stunning, angel sent from heaven, you look smart, confident, etc.”

Step 5. Just be respectful.

Last but not least just be respectful. We shouldn’t have to live in a world where men are not allowed to compliment or approach a woman because we are in fear of our safety and self respect.

Men, if you treat us like actual human beings and not like cattle, you may get more positive responses from your advances. Personally, a quick compliment from a stranger, male or female, can boost my self esteem and brighten my day. Getting whistled at and harassed by a 40 year old man as I’m walking down the street just trying to get diner, however, will not.

So basically, what us women are trying to tell you is to just shut the f*** up and let us go about our day. Unless you are willing to approach us right, don’t do it at all. It’s not rocket science and now you even have a guide to help you.