You’re Gone And I’m Afraid Happiness Won’t Find Me The Way I Need It To


I cried and I screamed into my pillow for three days straight. I needed you, I relied on you like the beach relies on the sun and a writer depends on a pen. I needed you, every beautiful piece of you and now you’re gone and I’ve never been so lost.

I’ve known these walls I call home for six years and now I don’t recognize them. I don’t recognize the sad, hollow girl in the mirror either. 

At this point, the days don’t even seem like days but more like a haze of time and seconds ticking but there is no end and no beginning like there is a morning and night. It seems like seconds take minutes to pass and minutes take hours.

You were the one thing in life that I knew about. I don’t know my major, or where I’ll be in 10 years but I was so sure about you and I was sure you felt the same, but now I know I was wrong.

I now fear that moving on is impossible and that happiness won’t find me the way I’ll need it to. 

Now all I have are the pictures on my nightstand of us smiling and laughing reminding me that those people in the pictures aren’t who we are anymore and that those people will never be the same. That I will never be the same.

Sometimes I feel like I can hear our laughs through the frames and I can hear your voice telling me goodnight and that you love me.

Time changes people and you changed and that’s the only way I know how to explain it. You evolved with time and I stood still in the safety of your arms not evolving at all because at the end of the day, I still love you as much as I did on our first vacation together and after our first big fight and when we spent that night painting pictures and drinking coffee.

I will, one day, move on and find someone new, but you will always be the person I swore I was meant to be with and if I’m right, we’ll find our way back to each other and that has to be enough for now.