17 Signs You Really Need A F*cking Day Off
By Jamie Varon
1. You clicked on this post. (Hi.)
2. You were desperate enough to pass the time that you clicked on this post even though you have a strong distaste for posts like this. You can’t even respect yourself for reading this right now, but you’re going to finish it, because that’s where you are with life now. Who needs dignity? Not you!
3. You have started to resent every living thing around you, including cats. Most especially cats, actually. You have taken to focusing your rage on their leisurely lifestyle. You have said things to your cat like, “Oh, wouldn’t it be GREAT to be a CAT?! You just sleep and eat and shit all day. REAL DIFFICULT LIFE, SNIFFLES MCWHISKERSON!!!!!” (You are not okay. You are yelling at a cat.)
4. You’re hungover from last night’s happy hour which turned into closing down the bar because you are not really into facing the reality of your life right now, tbh.
5. You cannot remember the last time you were relaxed. Really, you have no recent recollection of being at ease in your life. Real quick think of like a relaxing meadow or something. Does that feeling of calm make you stressed out? Yeah, you’re not okay.
6. You’re about one instance of being micro managed away from losing it all together and quitting your life to go be a professional street juggler or some weird ass shit like that. (Don’t do that, though.)
7. The best part of your day today was eating your sad lunch on your sad lunch break for only one really sad hour. (Hopefully you got fries.)
8. Every part of your body hurts. Even your eyes burn. The space between your fingers aches. You’ve discovered new ligaments in your neck that now have knots on them. The mere act of being alive hurts you.
9. You are the exact embodiment of a person whose soul has been sucked from them. Everything in your life is soul-sucking. Your existence is soul-sucking. Just keeping your eyes open is soul-sucking.
10. You have a very strong sensation of needing a hug from your mom (or whoever in your life represents comfort). You may want to get a good cry going while you’re at it.
11. You haven’t showered in three or four days because you have been trying to sleep as much as you possibly can in the morning, so you’ve been hitting snooze five times minimum and rushing out the door. You also have forgotten breakfast so now you’re hungry all day and everything is sad.
12. You found this post on Facebook because you are on Facebook all the time now. Your life is Facebook. You’re even playing Farmville. (You’re better than that.)
13. Speaking of Facebook, you’ve taken to turning on the chat function and saying what’s up to people you haven’t talked to in like three years because you’re that bored and that burnt out. (Dude, Shelly from high school does not want to chill.)
14. You are willing yourself to get a cold so you have a legitimate reason to call in sick. Did you just lick the bathroom door handle? Gross, but your dedication is commended.
15. Every time you see a crying baby, you’re like, “What do you know of stress, sir? You know nothing of real problems! I could fill a small Koi pond with my tears! Oh, big deal, you have a poopy diaper. MY WHOLE LIFE IS A POOPY DIAPER.”
16. Opening up your email at the beginning of the day gives you so much rage that you feel like you’re about to turn in The Hulk and go smash up some shit.
17. You’re about to share this post and be like, “SO ME, DYINGGGGG.”
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