10 Fantastic Recipes That Are Definitely Not Just Witches’ Spells


1. A Consternation: Add sixteen cups of wilted barfly to a medium-sized cauldron. Brew with a frown. Season with a smile.

2. Mashed Reginald: Make a Reginald in the traditional way.  Put the Reginald in a cursed copper pot. Bring the pot to a full boil and mash.

3. Instant Hippopotamus: Conjure a hippopotamus.

4. Spicy Street Urchin: Harvest several of the ripest street urchins you can find. Be sure to clean them well.  Coat them with an assortment of spices you’ve theatrically blown from the palm of your hand.

5. Candied Man: Whisper an incantation into a mirror. When the Candy Man appears cover him in really, really good maple syrup.  Like the kind Ina Garten would permit to date her olive oil.

6. Breakfast Surreal: Fill a clean, dry bowel with your favorite combination of oats, dried fruit and puffed corn. Add milk to taste.

7. Vegan Eye of Newt: Mold 2oz of textured vegetable protein into a small round ball. Hypnotize a newt. Remove his eye and replace it with the ball.

8. Love Potion Number 9.5: Find the deepest river you can that flows east. Make sure the water temperature is below 50 degrees. Walk into it chanting your love’s name. Stand there, waist deep for three days.  Leave the river and return to your love’s grave.  Knock on the headstone twice.  Lie down and tenderize the soil with your tears. Get up and go home.  Pour three fingers of whiskey into a glass. Serve until you’re no longer in love.

9. French Ghost: Light one white candle. Use the flame from the candle to light one cigarette. Smolder.  Draw a circle of salt around your body. Dust the circle with powdered sugar. Make sure you are in the great room of a Parisian haunted house. Manifest a French apparition.

10. Cold-Pressed Bruce: Find a wizard named Bruce who has wronged you.  Steal his wand, rendering him incapacitated.  Fold him into an industrial printing press with lots of pre-washed leafy greens and whole garlic cloves. Pour the liquid he becomes into a chalice and garnish with crushed ice.