10 Musical Acts I Hope Will Be Inspired By The Names Of Olympic Figure Skaters


1. ROCKsana Baiul – A 1980s style hardcore punk rock band.

2. $tojko – A better, Canadian version of Ke$ha.

3. Dick “Poppin’” Buttons – A shameless Hip-Hop artist topping the charts with hits like: “Twizzle,” “Dirty Salchow,” and “Do you want to Lutz with me?” An excerpt from the latter includes the lyrics: “The way you do your sit spin/makes me want to put it in/Watch out with that toe pick/Girl I’m talking ‘bout my penis!”

4. The Brian Bois Tano – A gender non-conforming alternative rockabilly band that invents the sub-genre “UltraModern Country,” and causes a number of colorful altercations at the CMAs.

5. Tara (Lipinski) and Sarah (Hughes) – A straight, non-twin, American version of folk-turned-pop-turned-rock-turned-electronic musicians Tegan and Sara–except they don’t ever sing. They just sit on stage for whatever time period is long enough to provide inspiration for haircuts.

6. Miss Shell Kwan – An amazing drag performer who sings piano cabaret by day and hosts a political news talk show by night.

7. DJ Yamaguchi – It’s just constant radio station identifiers separated by air horn blasts, with an occasional snippet of the song “Puerto Rico” by Frankie Cutlass.

8. Nancy and The Kerrigans – An all-feminist all-robot band that re-imagines the songs of the band Live as “not terrible.”

9. The Kurt ‘Browning’ Experience – A projection of streaming music videos from classic MTV with brownie recipes scrolling across the bottom of the screen. It will give rise to a new fad called “browning” wherein people plaster brownie recipes on everything “Kurt-related”: Nirvana videos, old copies of Slaughterhouse-Five, GIFs of the television show Glee, and even Kurts in reality.

10. Gracie Gold – It’s the actual figure skater, Gracie Gold, but every day for the next fourteen years, she performs a BRAND NEW REMIX of Beyonce’s “Drunk in Love.”