10 Simple Ways To Look Like A Douche At The Gym


Regardless of the area a gym is located, you’re bound to see some people many classify as “tools” in attendance. Douchebaggery defies boundaries, although I assume the majority of these folks are based in New Jersey. I’m not referring specifically to men, either.  As many fitness-loving women have exemplified, they too can be douchebags.

You don’t need a tutorial on how to spot one of these people. With just one glance it’s not difficult to decide whether or not you would classify someone as a tool. However, there are some aspects of gym tool appearance that I simply need to point out. The purpose here is bringing to light the primary accessories and appearance choices, which are downright unnecessary for the gym – and absolutely indicative of the gym douche.


1.  Backwards Hats 

Please tell me what the purpose is here. Ballcaps are meant to keep the sun out of your eyes.  You’re indoors.  Furthermore, you’re wearing the hat backwards. I can somewhat understand a forwards baseball cap, because maybe your hair looks like shit. A backwards cap, however, is just a means of expressing that you’re a big asshole.


2.  Jewelry

Take your sterling silver chain off, Brad. Nobody at the gym cares that you can drop $30 on a “chest piece”, as you probably call it.


3.  Bandanas

We’re all in the gym trying to work on our physique and feel better about ourselves. I doubt anyone has any interest in what set you’re reppin’. Gangbanging can wait.


4.  Basketball Jerseys

This is neither a basketball court, nor a frat party. Save it for later when you and your buddies pound lagers and don’t take “no” for an answer.


5.  NEON

Dear lord. The female douches love it. Yes, we notice you and we’re aware that’s exactly what you want. The neon attire is even more horrifying when guys choose to sport it.  You look like a walking handjob machine in the neon yellow tank, bro. Go apply for traffic control.


6.  Make-up

Ladies, there is no need to get all dolled up when you’re about to jog and curl some 5-pound weights. Guys are going to be salivating at the sight of your ass and cameltoe either way.


7.  Headphones around your neck

Either you’re listening to the music or you’re not.  If you’re not listening to it, leave your $8,000 Dre Beats in the lockerroom. The only purpose I see in leaving them dangling around your neck throughout the entire workout is showing that you can afford such headphones. Thanks for illustrating to us that you’re both materialistic and dumb.


8.  High socks with sandal “slides” 

What the shit? Alright baller, I see you in those Jordan slides. You’re at the gym, not smoking a blunt on the back porch while trying to freestyle rap. This is a pretty douchey fashion choice regardless of where you are, but it’s especially disturbing at the gym.


9.  Cargo shorts

*vomits uncontrollably*  This entry is not specific to the gym. Unless you’re a fun dad it is best to just leave the cargos alone.


10.  Beanies

The tank-top indicates you’re hot, but the beanie is telling me you believe you’re in a wintery climate. Either you have a medical condition, or you’re simply a turd.

Delving into douchey behavior inspires almost a novel of material.  None of us have the time for that currently.  As for right now, we at least have a basic guide to the unwarranted and tool-like gym fashion choices. I have a great deal of respect for anyone at the gym trying to better themselves, but when you’re sporting the above-listed things you make it very hard to respect you.