10 Things Your Girlfriend Does Not Want For Christmas


1. Perfume

Unless it’s a re-up on her current brand or a specific request, perfume basically says, “I’d like you to change the way you smell.”

2. Clothes from The Limited

For me, anyway. I don’t think my college boyfriend will ever forget the tears that rushed into my eyes when I opened the box of three dorky button downs he’d picked up for me.

3. Christmas-themed or “come fuck me” porn star lingerie

Dan Savage covers the trouble with Santa Claus panties pretty well, and it should be pretty obvious that you’ll suck the Christmas cheer right out of your girlfriend when she sees your version of holiday cheer is turning her into your little whore.

4. A surprise pet

Those holiday commercials where the boyfriend catches his lady off guard with a cute little puppy dog cut right before the dog takes a massive shit on the carpet, bites her baby nephew and eats fresh pine needles (costing you both hundreds in vet expenses.) A pet is something a potential owner needs to be prepared for and bringing it into it’s new home unexpectedly can lead to a slew of preventable disasters.

5. Jewelry from chain jewelers

Every silent treatment begins with Kay. Unless you know your girlfriend is just dying for chocolate diamonds, you’re better off looking for a unique piece. Websites like OfaKind offer tons of cool pieces that your girlfriend will be amazed you picked out.

6. One of those sad holiday gift sets from the pharmacy

Eggnog lotion and gingerbread bath bombs and candy cane foot scrub… Love you but no thanks, honey.

7. A bong

Better off saving this for your anniversary.

8. Cooking stuff

Unless your girlfriend’s a foodie or she was devastated when her KitchenAid recently broke you really oughta stay away from anything that’s going to stir up images of her barefoot in the kitchen.

9. Tickets to something YOU want to go to

Listen to me! This is not about you! Sure, she watches football with you on Sundays, but she doesn’t want to sit in the freezing cold, drink beer and pretend it’s something you’re doing for HER! Yes, even if they’re on the 50 yard line.

10. Anything that you’d get her because it’s something your mom uses

She’d probably prefer a couples therapy session. What the hell is wrong with you? No. Just no.