11 Questions Every L.A. Transplant Will Be Asked When They Go Home For The Holidays (With Answers!)


It’s time for all of us transplants to gear up for our big trips back home to wherever the hell we came from (probably somewhere with buttloads of snow.) In preparation for your Great Return From Hollywood, here’s a cheat sheet of answers for the questions you will be asked over and over again by relatives, family friends, people you run into at the post office, that girl you hated from high school who serves you coffee all week because she works at Dunkin’ Donuts— so fuck her.

You’ve got a nice tan, huh?

It’s mostly bronzer and actually, you DID get a little sun sitting out at the ACE Downtown last weekend.

[Their anecdote about traffic], but the roads are crazy where you are, right?

Yeah. It’s bad.

Bet you’re not used to this weather, hmm?

No, no I don’t. Los Angeles’ weather makes up for it’s utter lack of humanity.

When’s a good time for me and [significant other you hate] to come visit you?

Honestly like, never? LA’s not really a visiting city. You gotta drive everywhere and the cool shit is all far away from each other. And you know, Griffith Park is nice or whatever, but once you get there it’s just a park. Same for like, other stuff. Maybe you should check out New Orleans or something. That’s where I would go.

You like it out there?

I mean, I can’t imagine being happy anywhere else either, so I guess it’ll do. It’s easier to live here if you want to work in the entertainment industry. I don’t think I’ll live there forever.

Is it hard out there?

I mean, again, I am pretty depressed so I’d say it’d be hard for me just about anywhere. I think in general, LA is what you make of it but it’s always going to suck a little. I think that might be true of all major cities so I guess the pros of living in LA have been bigger priorities to me than living somewhere else, you know what I mean?

Do you get to the beach often?

Not really. No. Santa Monica is a lot of like, teens and families and they bring a lot of shit with them that’s cumbersome and ugly to look at. I used to go there a lot when I first moved here but now I mostly only go to Malibu when I want to go to the beach. Why? Is this about the tan?

How long do you plan on staying?

Well, if I have kids I’ll leave the city when they’re school aged but if I don’t, I’ll probably like… I don’t know. I wasn’t hoping to get this deep.

Have you met anyone famous?

I saw Danny DeVito once.

Did I ever tell you I met [random celebrity at a 1987 trade show]?

Yes, many many times. And it doesn’t sound like you “met” so much as you waited in line for Mary Decker to sign her autograph.

Is [some ridiculous celebrity there’s know way you know] nice?

I’m sure Rosie O’Donnell is lovely and I really miss her poetry blog.