12 Things We All Get Paranoid About


1. The group laugh

It’s the laugh you get after you’ve walked past a group of [usually young] people you don’t know. That laugh that makes you think ‘were they laughing at me?’ You then convince yourself for the next 100 or so yards, that it was indeed directed at you, and try to figure out what it is about you that they were chuckling about.

2. Ass crack

You must know this one [particularly guys, but I’m sure women get it too]. You bend over and suddenly think ‘is my ass crack showing?’ You pop back up, feel the back of your trousers and realise that it was actually firmly tucked away, and everything is fine. For some reason, it felt like it was out.

3. Left over boogers

Sometimes you need to blow your noise, but don’t you ever worry that after you do, there will be some visible snot in your nose that will be obvious to passers-by at the slightest raise of your head? You’ve seen this evil snot in other people’s noses, so it could happen to you. Better not to blow it.

4. They’re watching you

Ever sit on public transport directly opposite someone? It feels like they are constantly staring at you, even though you are courteous and do your best to try and avoid making any kind of eye contact with them. This is done either by looking at your phone, reading a book, or if you don’t have either of those, looking out of the window]. Eventually it all gets too much and you decide to quickly glance over at them to check if they were looking. In most cases, they’re not [for some reason they’re staring at the space right next to your face].

5. Shop cop

So you’re in the store, trying to decide what DVD you want to buy, but wherever you go, the security guy seems to keep his eyes peeled on you, making you believe he believes you are some kind of criminal. Sometimes you feel the security guy is following you around [hey, perhaps they are].

6. He/she likes me

This is a warm fuzzy kind of paranoia, but paranoia nevertheless. It tends to effect guys more than girls. A simple smile is all it takes, or even a harmless friendly conversation with somebody that doesn’t mean anything other than ‘this is just a friendly conversation between two strangers who happen to have noticed they are buying the same CD’s.’ I think she likes me instantly pops in to your head. Or how about I think he likes me? Perhaps ladies get it to, I couldn’t possibly comment [not having been one].

7. Window neighbours

Ever washed you car in front of your house and felt like every time you turn around, your neighbours curtains close? I know I have. Having particularly nosey neighbours doesn’t help this paranoia.

8. I stink

It’s that weird smell that suddenly appears out of nowhere. You’re sitting [or standing] somewhere, and suddenly it wafts in. At first you start to wonder who on earth it might be, looking disgusted. After a while though, with the smell sticking and you not being able to identify a culprit, you get embarrassed [what if it’s me?]. Don’t worry, in most cases it isn’t you [except for that one time it is].

9. The coughers

You know who they are. They seem to be everywhere. You just want to get from one place to another in peace, and yet here they are, coughing away near you. For some reason the coughers always seem to be right next to you. The worst place to be stuck with coughers is in a lift. Whenever someone starts coughing up in a lift, the others must be convinced they’ve caught something. Don’t even get my started on the open mouth, uncovered sneezers.

10. Pin thieves

They are everywhere, those damn pin thieves. Whenever you’re in a bank, the entire line of people is surely trying to get a look in at your pin number. Why? Because they’re all a bunch of no good criminals, aren’t they?

11. Bag searches

If it’s not pin thieves, it’s your ordinary pick pocket types. Ever wait in line and feel that the person behind you is a little close? In fact they’re close enough to be going through the rucksack or handbag you have slung over your shoulder. Better take it off, check it, and keep it in front of you.

12. The stalker

This might be more for the women. Men might occasionally experience it though. You’re stumbling along the sidewalk when suddenly, you hear footsteps behind you. It’s even worse when it’s dark, because you see the shadow too, and it’s closing in. I might just be a creepy guy, but the women in front of me always seem uneasy when I’m behind them, often to the point of where they slow down and let me walk past them, so I can’t attack them from behind.