15 “Death-Hacks” That Will Change Your World

What is with all of these “lifehacks” I keep hearing about? Save time on this. Save money on that. Build this wonderful thing out of just a sponge and a clothespin. Can’t we just leave the MacGyvering to MacGyver and be done with it?

It all sounds like a scam to me. An easy life does not build character! A yin is nothing without a yang. Sometimes doing the right thing takes MORE time. And sometimes you’ve just gotta go against the grain and swallow some splinters. Is life something you’d want to “hack,” anyway?

For all these reasons and because I don’t need to learn how to better enjoy eating my yogurt, I’ve devised this list of opposing circuitous “longcuts,” AKA “death-hacks.”

1. How To Smell Better!

Many ancient civilizations have known for eons that soap, shampoo, and pleasant aromas are NOT the answer. All animals on this earth are attracted to pheromones. Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “Jerry, what’s a pheromone?” A pheromone is a pungent mixture of vinegar and cottage cheese. To make this erotic concoction, just strain the milky fluid found in the cottage cheese 3-7 weeks after its expiration date. Mix it with just enough vinegar to prime your gag reflex, and then apply to your neck, wrists, shoulders, and hair. Once you’ve coated yourself in these areas at least three times, prepare to be sexually encountered.

2. How To Get A New Job, FAST!

I believe humans function at their best when their back is against the wall. We react to consequences and perform out of necessity. And this applies anywhere. Sick of your current job? Well, to really get your subconscious flowing, I suggest getting fired immediately. And what’s the quickest way to get fired? That’s right. A SnapChat of your engorged genitalia. This is the best possible thing you can do with the most illuminating outcomes. Forward this snap to your boss, all of your coworkers, and definitely your cubicle mate. If you don’t end up getting fired, you’ll at least get suspended, which means you’ll get time off to explore jobs in new and exciting areas of the country. And if neither of this happens it can mean only two things: you don’t know how to correctly use a smartphone, or your boss deemed this lewd act as the kind of maverick attitude (s)he has always been looking for—skyrocketing you straight into a leadership position. Speaking of leadership…

3. How To Be A Better Leader!

Being a leader is the opposite of being a follower. Instead of copying someone you admire, obliterate them verbally until they lose all self-esteem and have nothing left in life besides bowing to your every need. Exert better posture. Exude false self-confidence. And remember these three things: berate, berate, berate. Fight for what you don’t have with what you do have—terrible comebacks. If someone says your tie looks “a bit off,” tell them that their face is stupid. If someone pays you a compliment, repay them with a nasty one-liner such as “your face looks stupid.” Don’t be afraid to rely on this juvenile witticism again and again, because deep down, we all have a stupid face. Oh! And remember to wear glasses. Because these convey authority. You can pick up a stellar pair at any drug store.

4. How To Propose To Your Soulmate!

Even though it may be obvious that she’ll be leaving you pretty soon, don’t let that impact the display you have planned for her. You spent way too much at Party City to let her to ruin this for you, so just stick to the plan and follow through. When she gets overpowered by the first confetti cannon and swarmed by streamers, she’ll know just how dope to elope you are. Then when the second cannon goes off just as “St. Elmo’s Fire” begins buffering in the background, she’s gonna run from you. And this is exactly why you have Bryan Adams’s “Run To You” second in queue. Because that’s exactly what you have to do. Hopefully she didn’t run the 100-meter dash in high school, and hopefully you can pop the question mid-sprint.

5. How To Donate Shoes!

A. Find a big yellow box that says “donate shoes here.”

B. Donate shoes there.

6. How to Turn Your Microwave into a Spaghetti Swampland!

This is a lot easier than it sounds. Unless you thought that all you had to do was put a ton of spaghetti covered in sauce in the microwave and heat for infinity. Then it’s exactly what it sounded like. However, I like to put a unique twist on this death-hack and add a hot dog to the mix. Just toss that processed wiener onto the middle of the plate and sit back for the food fireworks. The explosive velocity from a radiated hot dog will intensely catalyze the tomato sauce in an effort to more thoroughly sludge the inside of your microwave. Leading to another death-hack success story…

7. How To Be A Better Micro-Manager!

Feel like you’re just not “involved enough?” Do your bluntly honest friends constantly tell you how much of a micro-manager you are, yet you’re still getting the same disappointing results? Then this death-hack is for you! Welcome to the new concept of “Nano-Managing.” This is micro-managing to the third power, and it’s negative! Whatever you were doing before, do it with 1,000 times the intensity and “kill me now” annoyance! Immediately you’ll see workflow become a jerk show as you spend every minute at the office telling someone how to redo unbelievably frivolous tasks! You’ll overhear sentiments such as “Jesus Billy Ray Christ, he’s such a nano-manager!”

8. How To Light Cigarettes Better!

There are many ways to light a cigarette besides using the traditional lighter or matchbook. Here are a few of my favorites:

A. The Gas Stove Method. Place a cigarette securely into clenched teeth. Set the oven to 475 (remember, paper does not combust until 451 Fahrenheit). Now you play the waiting game. Three times out of 10, just the cigarette will light up. And if you think about this success rate in terms of major league baseball, well then, you, sir, are a regular Wade Boggs.

B. The Bonfire Method. Approach a roaring bonfire with your square and a stick. Place the butt of your cigarette onto the tip of your elongated stick as if docking a marshmallow for a s’more. Place the distal end of the cigarette into the blue flames at the bottom of the fire, and once you smell the sweet menthol flavoring, start sucking at the base of your stick. It will take some effort, but the nicotine will hit you around the same time the smoke inhalation does. And that my friends, is how you get high.

C. The 1983 Thunderbird Method. Approach a 1983 Thunderbird and ask its owner if you may “take a look around.” If they oddly oblige, hop into the passenger seat and feel along the Thunderbird’s ancient console for a cigarette lighter. A cigarette lighter is an alternating current attachment that people once used back in 1983. When you’ve located the lighter, depress it and wait for it to pop back out. (You should hear an audible click and possibly see some rust flakes and dead moth matter escape from the device’s circumference.) Place the really hot orange end of the lighter to the tip of your cigarette and hold until lit.

9. How To Drive Like An Asshole!

Change lanes without indicating. Honk your horn if the car in front of you has not responded to a green light in under 0.0004 seconds. Go 30MPH below the speed limit in the passing lane. Litter debris constantly. Merge slowly—tortoise-like if at all possible. Text while driving. Text while driving while talking on an auxiliary Bluetooth device. Text while driving while Bluetoothing while turning around to pet your Pomeranian while he’s sitting in the backseat, ensuring that your eyes are not on the road. Swerve violently to regain control of your vehicle. When lost, just stop in the middle of traffic until you can figure things out. Pay no mind to “right of way.” Never EVER check your blind spots. Align lane markings with the center of your chassis. And in addition, if you can remember that “STOP” stands for “Squeal Tires On Pavement,” you’ll be quite the asshole out there.

10. How To Sink To The Bottom Of Your Community Swimming Pool!

You don’t need chains or cinderblocks for this handy death-hack. You just need to be willing to fight your body’s tendency to breathe. Once you get over this childish fear, you can really concentrate on reducing your buoyancy. Curl into the densest body-form possible—I suggest a lifeless cannonball pose—and harbor the experience of conforming to the bottom of the pool like a Neosporin-soaked Band-Aid.

11. How to Quench Your Thirst After a Vigorous Bout of Exercisement!

All you need is a little lemon and a lot of coffee. The hotter, the better (I’m speaking of the coffee here). Place that hot coffee into your bottle (I’m assuming you already have callused palms) and add just a squirt of lemon juice to enhance the flavor. After you’ve finished your high-calorie, high-intensity sweat-sesh, you’ll be craving nothing else but hot coffee with a dash of citrus. Guzzle this elixir and notice how your throat goes from burnt to charred to throbbing scar tissue while still maintaining a sliver of lemony freshness.

12. How to Make Anyone Sound Like a Person That Never Reads!

Hijack their vocabulary with non-words such as “totes, amazeballs, LOLZ, and Harry Styles.” Then, during the next Apple product launch, put them in line a week before release as if they’re some sort of awkward idiot. Pretty soon, between the lexicographical indoctrination and the time spent in queue, they won’t be able to comprehend any word in this sentence. And you will have earned a rose-colored anti-merit badge for “induced mental atrophy.”

13. How To Lose Weight Dangerously!

Have you ever worked out while wearing a trash bag? Well, then, there is no better time to start! Need to cut weight, burn fat, or fit into that old prom dress? No matter how appropriate or how sadly eccentric the reason, the best way to get your metabolism into a dangerous state of hyper-drive is to make it so that your body doesn’t have the resources to cool down. The best way to achieve this is by wearing a trash bag about your torso—keeping in mind to create a hole for your head and two more for your arms, which you can cover in smaller bags meant for office wastebaskets. Once your impermeable aerobic suit is constructed, pop three doses of ephedra and start moving vigorously. Do strenuous movements you wouldn’t even consider when wearing comfortable athletic clothes…in a trash bag. Feel yourself get really soggy as the pounds slough away. Feel yourself becoming a sweaty waif as you fight back the symptoms of heat stroke. Smile as your body suffocates. That’ll show that skinny bitch Debbie McPherson…that’ll show her….

14. How To Obstruct Your Colon!

This will require a lot of will power and a rudimentary knowledge of cheeses. From my personal experience, I’ve found Colby Jack to be the most delicious colon occluder out there. However, you need to start with a clean slate before you can put up this rectal roadblock. I recommend doing a three-day cleanse, followed by three days of ardent cheese eating.

15. How To Barf At A Party!

When the eVite says “BYOB,” this definitely includes a wide variety of dark liquors. To make sure you will be heaving before the guests are leaving, make sure to arrive drunk and to binge early. Your best bet is to unabashedly house any liquor that ends in “-ey.” It may also be best to pack an adult diaper.