16 Things You Get Really Good At Talking About After Graduating College

1. Verticals, Synergies, Q1, Bandwith, Workflow.

All of these things are very much “on-brand” at this life stage.

2. Saying That Your Job Is “Good.”

Oftentimes, the person posing this question is merely extending a courtesy. Being too honest is usually a terrible idea. Avoiding reality is the entire purpose of small-talk.

3. Talking About Alcohol Like It’s One Of Scott Pilgrim’s Seven Evil Exes.

When making lists like this, it’s important to throw in somewhat weird references that make people feel like they’re “in” on the conversation. Scott Pilgrim is probably a stretch, but it was on TV over the weekend. And another part of postgrad life is to talk about the TV movies you watched over the weekend instead of going out and socializing.

Also, the alcohol love/hate is at an all-time high.

4. Bragging About How Difficult Your Commute Is.

“My commute is tougher than your commute” – the thesis of 34% of postgraduate conversations.

5. Saying The Words “Morning Person.”

This makes you appear ahead of the curve, and more well-adjusted than your peers who haven’t “moved on” from being a normal 23 year-old.

6. Your Daily Meth Coffee Ritual.

People between the ages of 21-25 are REALLY PASSIONATE about the fact that they drink coffee. It’s as if we’re shouting at the rest of the adult world to let them know we’re also in the club of starched shirt wearers. Bear with us, I guess.

7. Making The Distinction Between Yourself And “Actual Adults.”

The idea is that “actual adults” are more level-headed and mature than we currently are, and would never eat a bag of peanut butter cups for dinner.

8. Your Association With A Celebrity.

The older you get, the higher the chance someone you know is becoming some sort of a celebrity. Because associating oneself with a notable figure is one of humanity’s biggest pastimes, it’s very important to capitalize on this as much as possible during this exciting new stage.

9. Greg And Kristen.

In relation to the fact that they’re still together. Your best bet is to use hushed or morbid tones, to imply that they’re dumb for wasting their youth. Don’t let your jealously show too much.

10. The Kid From High School Who You Never Talked To, But Posts Such Outrageous Things On Facebook That It’s All You And Your Friends From High School Ever Talk About.

I call these people “friendship extenders” — they automatically provide you and your friend who you haven’t talked to in 3 years with enough conversational fodder for the next half-decade.

11. The Weird Guy/Girl From That Grouper.

The older you get, the more people appear in your life never to return. For instance, I will probably never see Andrew “South Park” Greenblatt again, the kid who was a pretty dominant force on my 5th grade summer basketball camp team.

If you’re not looking to move things further, chances are you’ll never see Adam from that Grouper ever again. But even so, his quip about mustard causing cancer is something that you’ll never be able to stop thinking about.

12. Your Ex, Who Is Now A Club Promoter.

A great thing to talk about at any age. But the combination of being an ex AND being a club promoter probably peaks at age 25.

13. Greg & Kristen’s New Apartment.

Can’t believe they’re living together. What are they thinking.

14. Turbo Tax.

During the Super Bowl, turbo tax sought to appeal to the crucial demographic of hip millennials who, as we previously mentioned, are reluctant to consider themselves “actual adults.”

The phenomenon of older people trying to appeal to younger people will forever be fascinating (older people hate younger people, but need their $$ for their business), particularly when it comes to marketing. No sure if this merits discussion but it’s phenomenally entertaining.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EHujuY9q-E&w=584&h=390]

15. Ja Rule.

For those of us born between 1986-1992, Ja Rule represents a very specific type of legend. He is at once a legend (our 8th-10th grade selves loved his music), but at the same time an ironic legend (he’s the type of person that a frat house would have a poster of, and not be sure whether or not they’re serious).

I don’t think there’s a pop-culture equivalent to Ja Rule, but he’s very much a relevant figure when it comes to understanding today’s young professionals. Or so I’ll try and convince you.

16. How College Was Once A Thing, But This Is Now A Different Thing That’s Both Similar To College Yet Also Different.

Shockingly, figuring out how to say this sentence 50 different ways is an employable skill.