17 Signs You Need More Sleep
By Gaby Dunn
1. Your under-eye circles are often mistaken for a chic, new make-up choice. Or people ask if you’ve joined a roller derby team.
2. You saw the sun when you “went to bed” and then the picture outside your window did not change much when you “had to get up.”
3. You’ve started seeing Brad Pitt. Everywhere.
4. You don’t remember things that happened five minutes ago and/or you confuse them with things that happened in dreams six months ago.
5. Your skin feels dryer than an overworked camel’s hoof. Your hair is a bird’s nest. You look like the girl from The Ring even if you’re a guy.
6. Your eyelids feel like they weigh 700 lbs with little comical cartoon weights on them holding them down.
7. Your yawns are so loud and cavernous you wouldn’t be surprised if a train came barreling out of your throat.
8. Your boss comes back at you with your most recent work but it’s just sheets of paper where you typed the letter “Z” six billion times and then signed it “ZZ top.”
9. You tell someone you think people will evolve away from sleep soon and that you’re the first step in that evolution. Like the X-Men.
10. Your pillow hasn’t had a head-sized dent in it in weeks and your bed looks perfectly made. But you know you’re not making that shiz every morning.
11. You’re clumsy and whenever you bump into inanimate objects like lamps or desks you apologize like they’re tiny people.
12. You cry over small things like biting your tongue or missing a train because you’re so exhausted and frustrated.
13. Your vision gets blurry sometimes and you’ve just started referring to it as your “Monet periods.”
14. Your nastiest sexual fantasy involves lying down on clean white sheets with white fluffy pillows in a quiet, soundproof room and passing out for uninterrupted hours. Oh yeah, baby.
15. The word “sleep” now sounds weird to you. You repeat it over and over in your head and wonder if it’s even English. You can’t recognize it anymore.
16. You swear you’ve seen a mouse zipping around your room out of the corner of your eye but it’s just vision spots.
17. Every conversation you have is full of non sequiturs. When your friend asks you how you’re doing, you say, “Good! The sheep are coming along nicely and I might visit Mars soon.” Then, you smile like what you just said was normal.
Go to sleep.