19 Sad, But True Side Effects Of Funemployment And Getting Laid Off
By Yvonne Chung
1. Optimism and depression comes in the form of LinkedIn.
2. Your immediate thoughts always swim to your I-am-a-classy-young-professional condo and its ridiculous upkeep. Perhaps dad can sell his RV. Perhaps you can still make it as a Cirque Du Soleil extra.
3. You have passed overusing the #funemployed hashtag.
4. You received an official termination letter in the mail in full legal jargon and it. just. got. too. real.
5. Systematic emails with relevant job matches that contains variations of “minimum 5 year experience” is your cue to bang your head on a wall.
6. Cheap highballs on a Tuesday night is now scheduled in your Google Calendar. Weekly.
7. If it is not generic branding or accessorized with a sale sticker, it is not within budget. Expiry dates on food packaging are now merely suggestions. You will consume the overdue hummus goddamnit.
8. You wake up some mornings convinced it was all an elaborate joke.
9. It’s not. Well this is a colossal f*ck.
10. You are determined to call your dentist and maximize your limited insurance coverage. Yes Dr. Ravi, it is perfectly acceptable to get a cleaning once a month. Throw in teeth whitening too. I cannot be jobless and have my teeth sport a suspicious shade of yellow.
11. Your sleep schedule has reverted back to good ol’ college habits. Brunch at noon and night owl till all House of Cards episodes are finished.
12. Everybody from your hairdresser to your mother asks how you are constantly with slight head tilts and hushed tones. You’ve got it down to a 30 second spiel. A couple of funemployed jokes are thrown in there for good company.
13. You received your bi-weekly severance and generously patted yourself on the back for alllllllll that hard work.
14. Netflix ran out of suggestions for you.
15. All well-intentioned calls from your parents revolve around your no job, no guy status. Your life is 10/10, really.
16. You dare yourself to dream Europe travels but air fares do not agree with you.
17. Your wardrobe consists of Make An Effort Mondays, Legging Tuesdays, Sweatpants Wednesdays, PJ’s Thursdays, F*ck it Fridays.
18. You have forgotten the sheer exhaustion of the 9-5 grind and the interplay of office politics. Conversations with your employed housemate are now terribly one-sided.
19. You might as well learn to cook delicious healthy eats given all this free time but who says no to conveniently cheap deep dish pizza? Nobody.