20 Foolproof Ways To Cure Winter Madness
1. Find out wherever Bruno Mars was when he saw that sky full of lighters. I know one lighter isn’t, like, super warm, but a SKY full of them would be pretty warm. It’s hard to balk at the strength of anything when its unit of measure is “sky.” Like, I’m not afraid of centipedes, but a sky filled with centipedes sounds fucking terrifying.
2. Mitten muffins. These are mittens in the shape of muffins OR muffins in the shape of mittens—your call.
3. Lie naked in front of a roaring fire on a bearskin rug with your lover. Just don’t be surprised when you are asked to leave the Princeton Club and never return.
4. Eat a ghost pepper. It will heat you up from the inside out. Also, you will be distracted from the gloom of winter by the ghost who is now living inside of you.
5. Apply sun block and just smell yourself all day. Or draw up a smelling consent form, get the proper signatures, and then apply sun block to someone whom you would prefer to smell all day.
6. Listen to the song “Summertime Sadness,” spin around and then shout, “Lana Del Ray!” three times into your bathroom mirror. This also cures mild rubella.
7. Burst through any [non-load-bearing] wall wearing black Ray Bans.
8. Have an affair with the silver serpentine humanoid that morphs from droplets of liquid Capri Sun into a peripatetic liquid skateboarder.
9. Build a fort with beach towels and don’t come out until the thermostat “stops being a dick.”
10. Keep throwing pots of boiling water into the air until it heats the Earth back up.
11. Eat one pizza for every inch of snow on the ground or, if you’re Canadian, every centimeter of Torontonian Mayor on the ground.
12. Just really, really enjoy the fever element of your cabin fever.
13. Make an elixir from hot cocoa, rum, banshee tonic, and that snowball you’ve kept in the freezer since 5th grade.
14. Put on all of your puffy down items of clothing and reenact the entire music video catalog of Mr. Sean “Puffy” Combs.
15. Use whatever you use to cure March Madness, Blue Christmas, or Neurotic July.
16. Gather up a bunch of Tinder and start a blazing fire. Burn the app to the ground until there’s nothing left but digital ash. Bury the ash in a k-hole. Cover the hole with a boulder. Let your heart be warmed by your good deed.
17. Make a living blanket out of cats from the Internet. Don’t hurt them. Velveeta makes a great cat-safe adhesive.
18. Write a lot of poetry about snowflakes until someone sleeps with you.
19. Get a job as a dishwasher. Feel the hot steam on your skin that then chaps as you walk home in the polar vortex winds. Raise the $1308 to purchase a ticket to Singapore. Fly from Newark Airport to Changi Airport, stopping over for a little less than three hours in Tokyo. Take a propeller plane on Berjaya Air to Tioman Island. Hike into the thick rainforest jungle until you find the beautiful dragon princess. Ask her for any madness-curing mystical root. Hike back and enjoy the beaches for a few hours. Return home by reversing the steps of the journey. Finally reenter your kitchen and brew a tea. Ingest the mystical root. Or don’t. All you really needed was a few hours on that beach.
20. Netflix.