21 New Essential Terms For 2014

1. Kalienated – When you find yourself upset or feeling a sense of dread, ill-ease, and existential discomfort with the fever-pitch cacophony of the kale trend in American cuisine.

2. Ellipsosis – The psychosis that occurs in the mind of one person after a textual conversation rife with “…” yet resulting in no actual response from the other person.

3. Broat – A boat full of bros, possibly beer-filled, and/or a bar on a boat wherein bros carouse and jag.

4. Hawk-up – A sexual encounter more awkward than the preamble to any YouTube cover song.

5. Mementos – Mentos that were given to you at a very meaningful or important time, such as: during your college graduation, your friend’s first wedding, or a Jason Derulo concert

6. Podcastatrophic Brain Injury – The inability to remember whether a conversation you had was one within which you were actively participating, or was just something you heard on a podcast. This is most often caused by overuse of podcasts.

7. Americans – A group of human beings who get their information exclusively from ironic news sources, see: The Daily Show, The Onion, The Internet, Fox News.

8. Gross domestic negligence – The refusal to treat a dry cough by any individual in a committed cohabiting relationship.

9. Millennialistic decor – A couch that is also a bed, a desk, and where you eat all of your meals.

10. Mr. Rodgers – A verb that specifically describes the act of changing from your work clothing into your leisure clothing; or more generally, the application of a cardigan to any outfit.

11. Hexed message – A text message that results in a curse being placed on the recipient wherein they turn into a frog, are banished to a tower, or for the rest of their lives have to exclusively consume deep-dish pizza, the “Brazilian World Cup performance” of pizza.

12. Mistakenship – A relationship entered into due to one or more parties’ misunderstanding of the definition of a “one night stand.”

13. Hot meat pancakes – Hamburgers you eat for breakfast.

14. Borous – A porous border; as in, “Things between my roommate and I have been pretty borous since she stopped wearing clothing in the apartment and started eating all my food.”

15. Shake-and-flake: When you make plans with someone in a bar with the tacit understanding that those plans unequivocally will never, ever happen. E.g. “We should get up early tomorrow and go for a run!”

16. Tipsyphus – The person, not unlike a character in a Greek tragedy, damned to being in charge of figuring out the check at every group birthday dinner.

17. Pizza – Surely you are aware of the noun. However, the verb, “to pizza” means to make a poor effort using safe, trite, and banal topics, or generally be lazy; as in “That writer pizza’ed her jokes by constantly talking about pizza.” See also: “to bacon.”

18. Cancelebration – The dance you do when you really, really didn’t want to go somewhere but your friend or friend(s) cancel first.

19. Snatchchat – Lesbian Grindr.

20. Drama – An event, group of events, or metaphysical state of being, exclusively caused by people who constantly articulate their disdain for it.

21. Subtext – The inherent sexual tension within every text message ever sent. Yes, especially to the ones to your mom.