21 Reasons I Can Taste Vanilla In My Chop’t Salad


1. Vanilla almonds.

2. Vanilla lettuce.

3. Vanilla Ice now works at my neighborhood salad place.

4. This is a new dressing called “Sex Life of the Average American Married Couple.”

5. Vanilla yogurt was mistaken for a carrot—by an idiot who, perhaps, had a music-adjacent career in the early 1990s. Sure, I may or may not still be talking about Vanilla Ice. No, I do not know him personally, but if you had to choose a former R&B performer who does not know the difference between vanilla yogurt and a carrot, who would you pick?

6. This bowl is made out of a recycled Glade PlugIn.

7. Last night, someone broke into my apartment and replaced all of my pillows with bags of vanilla beans. Then that same person broke in again, planning to return the pillows before I woke up—only I caught them in the act.

We fought; I murdered them and hid their body underneath my floorboards by plying up the loose ones in the corner of my bedroom, warped from a leak, that my landlord had promised he would replace and never did.

However, the trauma of these events caused me to forget everything that occurred and to lose my sense of smell, which is only now—hours later—returning to me.

8. Vanilla tomatoes.

9. Salads are New York’s newest weird dessert trend.

10. Vanilla cucumbers.

11. President Obama.

12. The fork I’m eating with was used to mix cake batter and never washed, as it was the very last cake made by a blogger who was writing a story on how to find a guy in 30 days by baking a different kind of cake every day. However, on that day she met the perfect man and he told her that idea was fucking stupid so she stopped doing it–never to see the fork nor the man again.

13. The salad isn’t real.

14. I’m not real.

15. Vanilla isn’t real.

16. We’re all real, but the concept of lunch is fake.

17. Vanilla radishes.

18. Someone is trying to distract me from an even stronger vanilla smell somewhere else.

19. Congress.

20. It’s a viral promotion for Sex and the City 4—where the ladies are all robots in the future, except for Samantha who is an alien, searching for a radioactive Magnolia Bakery cupcake to save their home planet by doing the only thing they know how to do: have sex and make bad puns—called, “Sex and the City: Tossed Salads for the New Vanillennium.”

21. Foul play.

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