21 Things You Definitely Saw At Your Hometown Bar


1. The New Yorker who walks in like they are God’s gift to this shithole bar, ordering top shelf booze, wearing a fur vest, and generally being too good for whatever is going on.

2. The person who is visiting from their new home abroad, who likes to talk about what the holiday is like in their ~new land~. They are also prone to ordering a ridiculous drink that they bartender has no clue how to make, because they aren’t ~cultured~.

3. A pregnant girl who is… for some reason… at the bar.

4. Someone from your high school football/basketball team wearing a school hoodie and talking about their most memorable games.

5. The guy who was always driving drunk in high school to go on Taco Bell runs, who is still very much driving home drunk from the bar well into his 20s (and often still stopping at Taco Bell on the way home).

6. People who can’t help but make racist comments about the news story of the day, stressing that they’re not racist, but [insert statement about “Mexicans” needing to come here legally, or cops just protecting themselves].

7. The guy who is really into his new car, even though you can’t recall anyone getting really into their new car since the time when everyone was getting their drivers licenses.

8. The couple that is still somehow together despite breaking up approximately 28 times over the course of their relationship.

9. The couple that DEFINITELY should have broken up, but is now choosing to bring a child into the world.

10. Guys who for some reason have started chewing tobacco since you last saw them.

11. Girls who are going all out in their “hitting the hometown bar and impressing everyone” looks. This usually involves long, curled hair, Instagram contouring, and either heeled boots with leggings and a sweater or a bandage dress and pumps, depending on the weather.

12. The guy who is buying everyone many shots to a) demonstrate his great new job and b) increase his chances with the approximately 17 different girls he’s trying to hook up with.

13. The intellectual who chooses to only drink the bar’s shitty red wine, even though everyone else is on beer/mixed drinks/shots.

14. Guy/girl who is trying to get their “photography business” off the ground, and who carries a DSLR with them into the goddamn bar.

15. The girl who is crying by 11 PM, and has to be escorted to the bathroom by a few of her friends to calm down, before eventually rallying and then going harder than anyone in the entire bar.

16. The group of girls who are clearly really enjoying their moment of ~catching up~, and are spending most of the evening talking way too loudly over their drinks in a small circle and ignoring everyone else.

17. The couple that broke up forever ago – and for very good reason – yet is choosing to have that sloppy, regrettable hookup, simply because they’re both in the same place, horny, lazy, and overcome with nostalgia.

18. People who can’t understand the concept of using Uber, and think it’s weird to even take a cab, let alone call one on your phone that is just someone in their regular car coming to pick you up.

19. People who don’t have or understand Venmo.

20. The musician bro who spends at least 30 minutes humblebragging about “tour life” and how draining it is to always be “on the road,” even though he loves it, man, and he wouldn’t give it up for anything.

21. Your ex, who doesn’t make you cringe into another dimension anymore. This probably means that you’re something of an adult. Good for you.