25 Additional Ways To Leave Your Lover


51. Take them to a garbage dump, point at it and say “that’s you.”

52. Groin punch.

53. Give them a bouquet of dead snakes. (Make sure the snakes are frowning.)

54. Cover yourself in Vaseline and just slide out of their arms when they attempt to embrace you.

55. Write a NYTimes OpEd about how your relationship is indisputably not too big to fail.

56. Carry a boombox and whenever they walk in, play Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much.”

57. Cook their favorite meal. Then eat it.

58. Spoon them, kiss their cheek, stroke their hair until they sigh, and—as they drift off to sleep—whisper excerpts from The Book of Revelation.

59. Use Microsoft PowerPoint to create a slideshow called “We Have To Talk.”

60. Refuse to punch their groin. (This will only work if they’re into groin punches.)

61. Get really, really into True Detective, Season 2. They’ll take care of the leaving.

62. Refuse to put down the toilet seat. Wait until they’re asleep and then escape through the bowl into the sewer system.

63. Stop speaking to them. Start singing to them.

64. Meet at the top of the Empire State Building; upon their arrival yell “byeee!” Then rappel down the side.

65. Pick up random household objects in front of them and loudly say, “I love you more than anything else in the world. No one will ever come between us, placemat.”

66. Burn their love letters using the embers from the bonfire you set on their lawn that spells out the word “hate.”

67. Spend months teaching all of your friends a flash mob dance and then shoot a viral video of your un-proposal. Upload it to YouTube and set a Google Alert for “Upworthy + This Person Really Does Not Want to Marry This One Particular Person.” Wait patiently.

68. Learn the saxophone.

69. Every time they take a step toward you, take a step backward—until you’re at the ocean.

70. Go ghost on them. Keep reenacting the potter’s wheel scene from Ghost every time they try to sit down. When they protest, get up and scream, “Where is the intimacy?!”

71. Stop texting them. Start emailing them—when you’re in the same room.

72. Tell them you had a dream about breaking up. Then be like “no, wait, I HAVE a dream.”

73. Apply to Carnegie Mellon. Write a stellar essay. Attain three letters of recommendation. Get accepted. Matriculate for four years. Become an engineer. Build the first set of functional human bird wings in recorded history. Fly away and never look back.

74. Sit them down in a public place and say to them, “It’s not you.” When they ask if there is anything more you want to say, just shrug and shake your head ‘nope.’

75. Cheat.