25 Pieces Of Wisdom I’ve Learned At 25


1. Don’t hawk loogies on your parents.

2. Food is yummy ONLY in your tummy.

3. Only use racial slurs past 9PM (NOT ON FEDERAL HOLIDAYS).

4. Be nice to people of all races and Creeds (early Creed, late Creed)

5. Talk slow for dumb people. Medium for everyone else. Fast if it’s a talking race.

6. Sleep nightly. Or not. Maybe. Sleep on a bed. I dunno. Sleep is a factor, let’s say that.

7. Dogs.

8. High 5 yourself after every job interview. It’s inappropriate to go for a High 5 that soon with a employer.

9. Invest in a good kite.

10. Use quotation marks for emphasis. Use exclamation marks constantly. Use ellipses between sentences…see, that was “cool”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11. When meeting someone for the first time, shake their hand like it’s a pain contest.

12. Talk shit to birds. It’s not illegal.

13. Call your mom hourly.

14. They say 1/3 of your life is spent slapping. Make sure you aim for the meaty part of people’s face.

15. “Fashionably late” is a myth. The only fashionable thing to do is not go anywhere ever.

16. Invest in good sandwiches.

17. Swahili is a place not a language. Or wait. I dunno. Don’t talk about Swahili.

18. Be a vegan. Be loud about it. Change your mind. It’s your life. Have some fun. Today, I’m a scientologist, tomorrow a gluten-free polyamorous. Two days ago, I was a paleo racist.

19. Disagree with people about subjective truths like “I like chocolate,” or “It’s hot in here to me.”

20. Paint smells better the more you smell it.

21. Living paycheck to paycheck is like playing hopscotch with your life and who doesn’t like hopscotch?

22. A husky is a beautiful dog, but don’t call people “husky,” some people hate this breed.

23. Surround yourself with people better than you by being the worst person in your group of friends. Hurt people and mess with them a lot. Lie. Do whatever it takes. Run out on the bill. Flick people’s ears. Kill their pets.

24. Most people who do hard drugs frequently are so enlightened they’ve realized alcohol is the secret to life. Join them and their band.

25. Invest in a good lava lamp.

26. Don’t follow through on anything exactly. Give people more than what they came for. Or less.


the whole



Put a paragraph of lorem ipsum in everything you write. See how people react to it.

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27. Act like nothing happened.


28. Start 5 book clubs. Never attend any of the meetings, but read the books.

29. Use Linkedin like twitter. Use twitter like facebook. Use myspace like pinterest. Use instagram as a long-form blogging platform.

30. “Create more than you consume” is only true when it comes to pizza. Always make a little extra pizza. Offer it to a friend. If they say yes, eat it anyway, but throw away a pepperoni or something. You win.

31. Don’t call the fire police. Don’t use water. If there’s a fire, fight fire with fire. What are you, stupid? More fire = less fire.

32. Don’t ever change. Seriously. The best people picked how they were at age 15 and stuck to it.

33. All people are evil. Everyone does things because they are selfish, and true goodness is impossible. Nothing has ever been good. Progress is a lie. Spend your life demeaning other’s “achievements,” acting as if all institutions, companies, organizations, and human beings are only trying to maximize their own pleasure and riches. Humanity is a scourge and a virus. Never forget this. There are no heroes. There are only victims and victors. The victors win by destroying the stupid, and the victims are the people too stupid to realize they are being exploited. Nothing good will ever happen. The only reality in this life is your own pleasure. Maximize it any cost. No one matters. Happiness is the product of destroying others in every way possible. Life is a zero sum game. Take from others and you will gain. Life is about mindless self-indulgence and anyone who disagrees is a naive and puerile idealist who is lying to themselves.

34. Bagels are a cheap, tasty, and reasonably light breakfast.