25 Things For Which There Needs To Be A Patron Saint


I may or may not nominate myself and/or Beyonce for any and all of these positions.

1. Covertly sneaking the parts you want out of the community bowl of Chex Mix.

2. Finding new ways to avoid washing your hair. Bless you, baby powder; bless you.

3. Lisa Frank appreciation.

4. #Ironichashtagsthatdontactuallysignifyanythingbutactuallykindado?

5. Hating nerd-funny graphic tees. You know that one with the homosapien evolving and then ending up at a computer? Ire. So much ire.

6. Calling someone out on a grammar mistake, but not being 100% confident on it, so quickly gouging the real rules in case they question you. And then apologizing approximately 80 times anyway because you know it’s gross to correct grammar.

7. Guacamole.

8. Complaining about how you should be able to use italics on twitter.

9. Obscure dinosaur species appreciation.

10. Unnecessarily capitalizing nouns thanks to all those years spent studying a foreign language in high school.

11. Keeping email inboxes at a glorious, miraculous, wonderful zero.

12. Baby otter videos.

13. Relying solely on above-average memory to find missing items, rather than actually, IDK, looking for it.

14. Using the word “evoutionarily” in debates, and then hating yourself for it, because that’s a pretty weak pop-science term.

15. Panicking when texting anyone with the “read receipts” function enabled.

16. Connecting with God only during non-green-arrow-left-turns.

17. Raising your hand a bunch in class so that the time that you don’t want to answer the question, the teacher doesn’t call on you. Strategy, people.

18. Meticulously cultivated Jonas Brothers + Rod Stewart Pandora stations.

19. Catching up on reading before your intellectually elite family member comes to town.

20. Overuse of the word “horrific.”

21. The inability to paint your nails at the skill level you should have for your age group.

22. Untitled Word Document 117. (Seriously, go title those documents!).

23. Laughing at inappropriate times. (Up to and including funerals, announcements of tragedy, and emergencies.)

24. Knowing state driving laws in and out to avoid court appearances.

25. Referring to yourself as Mama.

featured image – Fivehanks