40 Additional Things Within Which R. Kelly May Or May Not Be Trapped


1. A box

2. A second, smaller closet within the original, larger closet

3. A well

4. A time travel experiment, where he must temporarily take the place of other people to “put right what once went wrong.”

5. A vestibule

6. A shiny vest

7. A tiny vest

8. A vestigial organ that he paid a ton of money to have enlarged and turned into the world’s most disgusting VIP room

9. A large drawer

10. A pair of large drawers

11. A carousel horse whose wooden stomach he cut open while shouting “I just need to survive the night!”

12. The secret passageway between the study and the kitchen in Mr. Boddy’s mansion

13. A dead-end job

14. A dead-end street

15. A dead endodontist after the world’s weirdest root canal

16. The mouth of a whale

17. A child-sized hotel

18. An adult-film-filled gym locker

19. A magician’s chest

20. A pirate’s chest

21. A woman’s chest, wait, no, sorry, I mean a woman’s BOOBS

22. A cabinet

23. A tire swing

24. A relationship with a partner who is incredulous with regard to his ability to fly

25. A sleeping bag

26. A car falling off a bridge in someone else’s dream

27. A gum wrapper he mistook for a fingertrap

28. A broken Gravitron

29. A fully-functioning elevator

30. Between the balusters of a staircase on a 1980’s sitcom set

31. The smallest in a series of Russian nesting dolls

32. A life-size version of the bathtub from the board game Mousetrap

33. On the L Train, between two dudes with their legs splayed so wide they could easily receive a full gynecological exam

34. Monopoly jail

35. The Château d’If, due to a tragic misunderstanding

36. The top floor of this parking garage, until the mechanic finishes remixing his ignition

37. A chimney

38. A hundred-year-old photograph of himself that a witch took

39. Dinner party conversation about a New York Times infographic, which is based on a trend reported elsewhere three months ago

40. His own mind