5 Forgotten Stages Of Late Night Drunk Binge Eating Sessions

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There are typically three meals in a day: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I had learned this throughout my first eighteen years of life and accepted it without question. However, once I started my freshmen year of college, I learned there was a fourth meal. It doesn’t really have a name, unless “Regret” counts as a name. It happens very, very late at night, probably after you’ve danced your butt off to a song that inevitably has a hashtag in the title. It’s too late to still be night time, but too early to still be morning. You’re not tired enough for bed yet, and too tired to do anything productive, like finish your psychology reading or finally kick out the mouse that’s taken up residence in your already too-small dorm room. You don’t know exactly what time it is, you realize, but you do know one thing: the drinks you’ve had may have partially worn off, but its remnant effects have left you unbelievably, irrevocably, ridiculously ravenous. There is nothing more important in the entire world than eating food at this moment besides, you know, world hunger and international conflicts and watching YouTube videos about giraffe mating. But this random feeding does not come without consequences.

Stage 1: Euphoria

There is no better feeling in the world than this. The pizza/sub/old shoe you are gnawing on has filled a void inside of you that you never even knew existed until now. You eat blissfully in silence, because this meal is exactly what you have been craving your entire life. If there is a heaven, this food is lifting you up toward it. For now.

Stage 2: Despair

Tears may flow, for no apparent reason. You sob through them, thinking back to the beautiful beast of food you’ve just consumed..

Stage 3: Self-Loathing

You hate yourself for consuming so much food in roughly the same amount of time of Usain Bolt’s fastest sprint. Your stomach churns. You didn’t even take a Lactaid before diving into that pint of Half Baked! You weren’t even hungry!

Stage 4: Fatigue/Delusions

Your eyelids might flutter shut every few seconds or so. There is grease on your face and cheese on your foot. You can’t remember how it got there. You half-heartedly shove another piece of cheesy bread down your throat, just because you can’t believe Domino’s is still open. Now it’s time to sleep off the shame. You stumble dazedly to your dorm room and find melted ice cream in your armpit. Mumbling something about befriending a sprinkled donut, you clumsily climb into your bed and drift into sleep.

Stage 5: Acceptance

It’s over. You have given in, and it’s okay. Calories don’t count after 3 AM, right?!

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