5 Things You Wish You Could Give Your Mom For Mother’s Day


I used to be adventurous with Mother’s Day gifts. One year I gave my mom a few strawberry bushes that she could plant in the backyard. It seemed really sweet until the ensuing rash on her hands made it clear that she was allergic to strawberries, and the ensuing patch of lifeless brown dirt made it clear that strawberries don’t grow in Boston in the spring. I’ve also given her dog-themed books, dog-themed movies, even dog-themed knee socks, because she has a dog and I am nothing if not imaginative. Recently though, I have stuck with ol’ reliable: flowers and chocolate. Because when it comes right down to it, moms loves flowers and chocolate. Hell, I love flowers and chocolate, because it’s fun to consider who I’m going to regift the flowers to while I scarf down handfuls of caramel pecan clusters.

But each year around this time I regret not being able to give mom something special. Something specific to her, to our relationship, something that really shows I care.

No matter how close you are to your mother, I expect you feel the same. Wouldn’t it be nice to give her the thoughtful gift she deserves, not just the nicest bouquet that ProFlowers offers for more than $20 but less than $35? Mom wiped your butt, she picked your boogers, she told you that dog you painted in art class was amazing even though it really just looked like a rock having a seizure. She deserves more than a gift, your mom has earned an experience.

Here are 5 things your mom deserves this Mother’s Day, if only you could give them….

A Night Out Dancing: Moms love to dance. They all have their own moves, for some it’s a serious, Elaine Benes-esque full-body shake, for others it’s a delicate hokey-pokey trot. But somehow moms always perfectly in rhythm, and having the time of their lives. My Mom loves dancing so much that she offered to fly across country so we could take dance lessons together to prepare for an upcoming wedding. I said no, because, I mean, COME ON, but still–that’s a lady who likes to get down. If you could confidently and happily give your Mom one night out boogying, then you’d probably be the best child ever. And a far better one than me.

The Ability to Forget That Sex Thing She Saw You Do: “Well, it’s a surprisingly warm afternoon…” my Mom thought as she walked out to our little backyard pool. “I’ve gotten off work early, so maybe I’ll take a little swim. The kids won’t be expected me home, but no matter, I’m sure they’re doing their homework like the responsible children they are.” And then she opened opened the gate to the pool… and saw me doing horrible things with Katey Gates who lived next door. We were in the shallow end, and truth be told, some of the horrible things were underwater things. Thank God mom turned and walked immediately back inside. But still, the damage was done. We all have our Katey Gates that mom has caught us with, and all of our moms have regretted every second. Although for your sake, I hope your Katey Gates didn’t have braces. My lips still hurt 20 years. This May, Mom, I’d love to give you the ability to forget. And, while we’re at it, my mouth the ability to heal.

The Ability to Forget That Puke Thing She Saw You Do: It’s a special night the first time you drunkenly throw up in the same bathroom you used as a child. You remember all the times little you had the flu, or ate too many brownies, or were nervous about the first day of school, and how it made you sick then too. And your little tummy lost its sweet little contents, and how darling that is in comparison to the margarita and chili fries barf you are currently producing after a night out with old high school pals. And no matter how hard you tried to clean up, there was always a spot left somewhere for mom to discover the next morning. Because you are you, and she is mom. We wish we could take that back this mother’s day, because once you pass 18, parents should never have to deal with our vomit again. Sorry, Mom!

Home-Cooked Anything: She cooked for you so many times. Frequently you said you didn’t like her food, and far less frequently, you actually said “thanks.” Isn’t it time we little piggies return the favor? It makes them so happy. I made my mom microwave popcorn a few months ago and she’s still talking about how great it was. And truth be told, I kinda burned the crap out of it. This Mother’s Day I wish we could cook for our moms and give them full liberty to tell us how crappy it is, or not thank us if it’s delicious. Fair is fair.

A Nice Hug: Seriously. That’s all they really want. It’s impossible because you probably don’t live in the same city anymore, but come on. Wouldn’t it be great to send your mom a thank you hug? If ProFlowers offered hugs, I’d be willing to go all the way to $40.

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