5 Totally Obscure Presidential Candidates That You’ll Actually Love Reading About

Going into the 2016 Presidential Election, over 60% of Americans feel the nation is headed in the wrong direction, and 90% believe that politicians primarily serve themselves.

It’s time to give ourselves a little pep talk! Want to lock career politicians out of the White House? Here are five obscure Americans who could take the Oval Office over from them! Maybe by the end of this, we might feel at least a little better about our real presidential contenders (or maybe not…)

1. Jeff Boss

Jeff Boss is a 2016 Presidential candidate and 9/11 “truther” who adamantly believes that the United States government is responsible for the 2001 attack on the twin towers. He has previously run for President, United States Senator, New Jersey Governor, and Mayor of New York City. Boss claims to have seen high-ups in the NSA “giving phone cards to the 9/11 hijackers, and talking about flying 12 planes into buildings”. He presents nothing resembling evidence of these very bizarre allegations, though he purports to have “over 500 people on DVD admitting that the NSA gave them $20,000 to keep quiet.”

Don’t just count him out just because of his crazy conspiracy theories; also reject him because of his strange policy ideas. In a section of his website oddly devoted to both Presidential and State Assembly bids, Boss promises to open the “world’s largest casino,” to “allow dogs inside restaurants,” and to “outlaw car insurance”.

His campaign literature also provides instructions on how to use your microwave to deactivate the NSA tracking device embedded in your credit card — if you’re into that kinda thing.

2. Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey

Sharkey is a former professional wrestler and self-proclaimed vampire (you read that right). He sought the Republican Presidential nomination in 2008 and 2012. After losing to John McCain in 2008 he accepted the nomination of his Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party. Sharkey claims that in 2007 he was under consideration to be Attorney General, though no evidence supports this interesting assertion.

In regards to his policy stances, Sharkey takes a tough line on crime. He has previously said that, “Certain criminals, instead of being put in jail, should be brutally tortured and impaled….Upon them being found guilty of their crimes I’ll beat them, torture them, dismember them and decapitate them.”

Sharkey, however, has accumulated a great deal of baggage over the years. In 2007 he admitted both to having frequent sexual relations with his half-sister, and being “involved” with three minors who were working as his “vampires-in-training” at the time. He has previously been brought in for questioning due to his threats against former President George W. Bush and the declaration of a Holy War against The Vatican. In addition, Sharkey has confessed to substance abuse problems, having an incessant need to drink blood at least twice a week.

Sharkey has previously run for Governor of Minnesota and sat on the Hillsborough County, Florida Republican Party’s Executive Committee and MADD’s Public Policy Board. While there isn’t yet an official word on whether he will run again in 2016, some of Sharkey’s actions call into question his good judgment and character.

3. Angelo Scrigna

Angelo Yoshannah Scrigna is an official candidate for the 2016 Democratic nomination. Rumors suggest that he orchestrated a somewhat legit online ad campaign, and has been attempting to recruit numerous “Community Leaders” who will help build his ground game. He has created a presence on Facebook, and launched his own website. He also has commissioned his first TV Ad via YouTube:

What about his experience? Well, according to Scrigna, he is the founder of the Los Angeles Stock Exchange and the rightful heir of the Walt Disney Company. In defense of these obviously fabricated claims, Scrigna delivered a cease-and-desist letter to Disney, demanding they quit using any “Disney” branding or copyrighted material within certain areas. Disney responded with a lawsuit suing Scrigna and his colleagues for establishing companies “with names such as Walt Disney Parks and Resorts LLC, Disney Enterprises Inc., and the Walt Disney Company.” In terms of policy, Scrigna leaves much to be desired. We, the voters, are not provided with many details as to how he would run his White House or the country.

With his legal troubles being a clear liability, I feel that Angelo Scrigna may be starting this election as a clear dark horse candidate.

4. Keith Russell Judd

Keith Russell Judd has been incarcerated since 1999 for extortion. In between appealing his conviction (which he has done no less than 36 times), Judd has run for President in every election since 1996, and we have every reason to believe that he will again this time!

I have to ask, though, “Where’s the beef, Keith?” The candidate has not released anything resembling a policy platform anywhere. He has flexed his political chops in previous elections, however; while he got a distant third place in the 2008 Idaho Democratic Caucus, he stunned pundits by receiving a whooping 41% of the vote in the 2012 West Virginia Democratic Primary. With that momentum behind him, we should all fully expect Judd to be visiting Iowa and New Hampshire early, especially since his prison release should be coming up soon!

5. Willita D. Bush

Does America really need another Bush? While the answer is clearly either yes or no, there is no doubt that Willita certainly breaks the mold set by George Sr, George Jr, and Jeb. She is a prophetess and “divine lady of justice” from St. Louis, Missouri, who is seeking the Green Party nomination. She has experience as an “empowerment coach” and has recently entered law school.

In terms of her work in academia, Bush published a book in 2008 called, How to Get A+ Credit After Filing Bankruptcy In 30 Days (Guaranteed! A Little Known Secret You Need To Know) that was met with a negative review.

Bush hasn’t released much when it comes to substantive plans. A profile on CrowdFunder suggests that she has a passion for protecting civil rights (good), while her ebook advocates for fighting in a “massive spiritual war” between “Satan’s realm” and “the forces of light” (bad).

Campaign finance may be a struggle for Bush, as she has currently raised a lethargic $0 for her campaign.