50 Things About Wagons


1. I love wagons.

2. You never know when a wagon that will change your life is just around the corner. It will probably take a ton of time to find out, too, because wagons are notoriously terrible at taking corners.

3. Speed 3 is just like Speed 2, but with wagons instead of a boat.

4. Give a wagon a fish: it’ll eat for a day. Teach it how to fish: you’ll be a fucking sorcerer because wagons don’t have a nervous system. Wagons can’t fish. Also they can’t eat. You know what? Just ignore this whole item.

5. Wagons are often red. However, it’s not because they are embarrassed. It’s because they’re covered in the blood of other wagons. Oddly enough, the most common predator of wagons is wagons.

6. A wagon is a terrible replacement for a hearing aid and an okay replacement for a tricycle.

7. If you really want to impress a wagon, don’t try.

8. Wagons are wagons. If you call a wagon a “carriage” it WILL slap you in the face, or at least silently judge you.

9. There is a wagon in this world for everyone. You just have to be willing to get out there and find it. The universe is thinking about you. If you wish on a star and just be yourself, sooner or later the right wagon will smile at you across a crowded room.  Also, they are on sale at Home Depot.

10. Wagons, like idiots, self-guided tours, Carole King, and broken compasses, will only take you where you lead them.

11. Wagons will also take you anywhere else that you want to go, as long as you let them be in control and where you want to go is downhill, haphazardly.

12. Wagons, like cars and terrible dates, usually have four wheels.

13. Don’t judge a wagon by its past. Judge a wagon by the way it treats you, how it cares for your heart, and also if it can hold a decent amount of stuff.

14. Wagons are amazing listeners. They let you do most, if not all, of the talking.

15. Wagons love the cinema.  I know it sounds crazy, but find me one wagon, seriously, just ONE, that has something bad to say about the cinema.

16. Station Wagons were originally meant to be homes, not vehicles. Their full name is “Stationary Homes to Live in and Not Drive Wagons.”

17. Wagons are composed of 99% perspiration and 1% old wagon.

18. Wagons love it when you call them “Big Poppa” or they would if you EVER did it.

19. Never have sex with a wagon on an empty stomach. Or if it’s dark out, because you might cut your genitalia on a rusty corner that you are unable to see. Also never have sex with a wagon at any other time, because it’s a wagon.

20. Wagons are great at helping you carrying your laundry to the Laundromat.

21. Wagons are terrible at remembering to separate your delicates, or remembering anything else.

22. Shopping carts are just wannabe wagons that were too afraid to take a risk on their dreams.

23.  If a statue of a wagon has two wheels in the air it means that wagon was wounded in battle.

24. Sisqo settled for the dragon after being too afraid to unleash the wagon.

25. There are six wagons for every two non-wagons at any given Wagon Museum.

26. Conestoga wagons are the divas of the wagon world.  They are also the divas of the much smaller Conestoga World, because, seriously, when you hear the word “Conestoga” do you think of rivers, cabinets, or wagons?

27. “Wagon train” is a pretty raunchy wagon sex act that most wagons will not do unless they believe you to be marriage material.

28. Chuck Wagon is the father of wagon cuisine. He basically invented wagon food, as we know it today.

29. If you get really close to a wagon, yell, make a lot of loud sounds, and if it still doesn’t respond then it’s probably napping. Or it’s just being a wagon.

30. Wagons look really hot in jean jackets, but they, like, rarely ever wear them because they don’t have a lot of denim confidence.

31. The first wagon to roll all the way across the country was named, “Sergio”. Oh really? You don’t believe me? Go ahead and find me the name of any other wagon claiming to have been the first to roll across this great land.

32. Many wagons have handles, but not all do. Don’t stereotype.

33. Wagons absolutely HATE when people mistake them for wheelbarrows.

34. There are at least 50 states in which it is illegal for wagons to marry.

35. Wagons can fly.  They just can’t believe they can fly because R. Kelly never wrote a song about it.

36. If you’re dating a wagon you are DEFINITELY going to be the first to say, “I love you.”

37. It is against the religion of wagons to have a religion, or to wear wigs of any kind.

38. The first rule of wagons is “there are no rules, motherfucker.” This isn’t some kind of lame watered-down fight club. These are wagons. You cannot regulate a wagon.

39. All the wagons used in The Little Rascals are actually just paintings of wagons because in the 1930s children under 18 years old were not allowed to touch a wagon on camera.

40. Wagons don’t ever have middle names.

41. If you went to school with a wagon then your school received something called a “wagon education and maintenance grant.” Also you went to a terrible school.

42. All wagons are required to register with the Selective Service or have four wheels.

43. Many wagons have nerves of steel—in these cases the rest of their bodies are also steel.

44. You can take the wagon out of the farm, but then you can’t use it for farm chores, just FYI.

45. Wagons are really sensitive about their turning radius and so they refuse to sing the line “turn around bright eyes” in the song Total Eclipse of the Heart.

46. National Wagon day is not the same thing or date as Wagon Independence day.

47. A really hot promiscuous wagon is called a “swagon”.

48. Her relationship to wagons is the ACTUAL inspiration for every Taylor Swift song.

49. Wagons were a lot funnier as a concept to me about 48 things ago.

50. Wagons, like people and articles about wagons, will disappoint you, but only if you let them.

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image – mikebaird