6 Points In The Praise Of Canada


Canada is an easy punchline. It’s America’s hat. They say “sorry” wrong, and they say it often. They gave us Drake, who, while amazing, is definitely the most Canadian version of a rap star there could possibly be.

That said, we’ve been too hard on our northern neighbors. Here, then, is an argument for a different view of Canada – six reasons we should be giving them not just affection but our actual respect.

Confused? Read on.

1. It’s Our Plan B

Listen: if things go south in America- like, “President Trump” south- we’re going north.

Canada is the closest we have to a back-up America, a second chance to run up the border and strike up a second life mining maple syrup. Show some respect and reverence to the country that is going to save our lives in ~18 years.

2. They’re Basically The Starks From “Game Of Thrones”

It’s a cold country full of determined, serious and honorable folks who none the less are open-hearted and sturdy in their morals.. Also, full of wolves. C’mon- nothing?

No spoilers, but you gotta respect the thankless hustle of being decent in an indecent world. And, again: they rock the cold and wolves.

3. They Have Better Money

One and two dollar coins are the absolute best. Do you know how rewarding it is to buy a moderately priced and surprisingly great sandwich with a couple of coins? It feels like it’s free.

Also, they’re money is different colors. Do you even know how many more rap lines we could have if money wasn’t just green? So many.

4. Canada Has A Lot Going On For a Frozen Tundra Of Penguins

What’s a stereotypical Canadian?

A friendly, reasonable and kind individual? That’s a pretty good stereotype. But what about the others? Canadians are kind, but also grizzled outdoorsy bacon-eating, beer-swilling ballers. Okay, cool. But also they’re incomprehensible psuedo-European artists, because Montreal is basically France. Huh, interesting.

Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver are wildly different, and the only thing they really have in common is being considered beautiful, fun, and slightly cheaper than their American equivalent. Canada has a lot to explore, and a lot of contradictions. Canada contains multitudes and contradictions, and through that variety they’re gaining strength. Speaking of which…

5. It’s The Easiest Adventure You Could Possibly Have

Have a three day weekend and don’t feel like exerting yourself too hard? Go to another country where you speak the language and know the culture. Exploring is easy in Canada and a pretty good transition for those of us (read: me) who like adventures but get anxious at the idea of a wider, more expansive trip.

6. Canada Is Kind Of Badass

We joke about Canada being wimps because we confuse kindness with weakness. We survive at Canada’s mercy and leisure.

Consider, for a moment the following true facts about Canadians.

  • They can communicate with animals, and can fly into battle on the backs of giant owls.
  • They are immune to ice and snow, and can summon blizzards by yelling “eh?” into sky.
  • Each Canadian is at least one flannel shirt away from lumberjacking your whole head up.

They’re hard drinking survivalist gangsters who are gentle because they have nothing left to prove to us. They whittled their iPhones out of hickory. And hockey is basically soccer on death blades with mandatory punching.

Canada out-Americas America in everything we wish we were.