Why I Won’t Read Your Screenplay


1. You sent it to me while you knew I was in Europe.

2.  I finally committed to reading it tonight so I could get it over with while I made a frugal dinner at home.

3. I dropped my crackers I topped with cheese, tomatoes, convenience store turkey, plus two pieces of pepperoni I strategically placed so I wouldn’t know when they were coming.

4.  I dropped them into the crack of the oven door and forever ruined the stove in the apartment I’m renting.

5.  I had to fish them out with a spatula while everything slid around in the crack and rubbery lip thing while the oven was still on at 180 degrees Celsius which I don’t even fully know what that means.

6.  I left the oven on because I plan on making cookies later.

7.  After a hundred futile attempts of scrounging for something else to eat, I made the exact same thing I dropped minus the cheese, which is no longer really a meal.

8.  I had to eat it cold because I couldn’t wait.

9.  When I finally sat in front of my computer to read it, I forgot I’d already opened it and actually screamed when I saw it staring at me.

10.  I screamed again when I recognized the story.

11.  I must’ve opened it when you first sent it, but didn’t finish it because I probably hate it.

12. I’m not really a screamer, but in my defense, I was still shaken up after a French person tried to verbally restrain me from entering their organic grocery store because they were closing in 7 minutes.

13.  My basic grasp of French allowed me to argue my way inside so I could buy his neon green bananas that I’ll never be able to eat because no one can see that far into the future.

14. That’s not even including what my boss said to me today.

15.  I realize I’ve been home over an hour and I haven’t opened a bottle of water, so I’m basically dehydrated minus my glass of wine.

16. Plus, I had a bee in my apartment yesterday. 

17.  Every moment I’ve tried to enjoy lately comes with the black cloud of your screenplay you sent me that I haven’t read.

18.  This is not including that time when I saw the poster on the subway that renounced a soda company on the grounds that it was a beacon for evil.

19.  The last time I saw you was six months ago when we met at McDonald’s and I’m embarrassed for both of us.

20.  I recently ordered a gourmet coffee accompanied by a trio of mini-desserts from a Paris McDonald’s with a straight face and it was not that good, but still.

21.  They gave it to me in a porcelain cup.

22.  I’m referring to the coffee, not the desserts.

23.  A European oven is actually surprisingly easy to clean and I’m up and running again.

24.  The cookies are delicious.

25.  They taste nothing like tomatoes.