6 Things You Secretly Want More Than Anything Else

TO NOT HAVE TO READ ANYTHING

Shut up, you don’t like reading that much. I know you THINK you love reading, but you like leisure reading, you don’t like assigned reading or reading documents or papers that you don’t understand. If there was a reality in which you couldn’t read at all because you didn’t have to read anything ever, you probably would chose that reality over the one you’re living in. You’d have like, superpowers that make you instinctively know what subway stop to get off at and which car loan to sign. I mean, blind people do it except for the car loan part. If you wear glasses, you’re already half way there. By the way, I feel like I’m seeing a lot less Brail lately. Will this be translated into brail? That would be cool. I hope someone blind is reading this right now. Maybe they’re having Siri read it. If so, hi blind people! Hi to all of my transgendered readers as well! Love you guys and our makeshift family!

TO GET YOUR DICK SUCKED ALL DAY

Never had a dick, personally. I’ve had dreams where I’ve had one, but I just remember feeling having one, you know? So I don’t really know what it’s like to have your dick sucked but I know what it’s like to have your emotional dick sucked and that’s a great feeling. I think we all can agree that to a certain extent, half of the appeal of being a celebrity is that it’s your motherfucking world and everybody’s just living in it, getting you another white wine spritzer and a refresh on the prosciutto plate. It’s actually a whole appeal of being a celebrity. Everything else about it sounds shitty. Oh, and the money. That too. Don’t be all, “I’m not like you, Molly. You’re a selfish dog. I like people who ‘keep it real’ with me!” You’re a liar who probably hates him/herself too much to admit what you want.

THE BEST/EASIEST RELATIONSHIP

When I asked my friend what she thought I should include in this list she was all half-jokingly like, “true love.” And I scoffed cuz like, true love represents to me some like, epic tale where these two young lovers need to battle monsters who are trying to keep them apart and grow together even more in the process. If you get to have a relationship story at all, that’s not a terrible one to have, but I think what everyone really wants is someone to come along who they’re attracted to, live a reasonable distance from and can trust. A situation like that is really everyone’s first choice, people just say they want big, fairytale love because they know admitting that they just want something easy and long lasting is some sort of faux pas. We all just want someone that whose penis or vagina we like to come and lay on our couch and eat chicken while you watch The Wire.

A SICK BODY/GREAT HEALTH (IN EQUAL MEASURE)

I refuse to believe that the health industry pulls in as much money as it does each year because most people actually care about being alive. The only person who makes a New Year Resolution to cut back on pizza and subs for health is like, Cliff Huxtable. And even he was hiding sandwiches in the chimney. It’s kind of sad we can’t talk about the Cosby Show anymore without traumatizing our own minds with the image of the guy from Ghost Dad forcing himself on a young, drunk secretary. But anyway, all of the fucking almond milk and supplements and about 70% of the shit in local neighborhood drug stores are really about people wanting to be skinny AF. Like I’m supposed to believe that even part of you is legit panty splashing for a Kind Bar with chia seeds.

TO NEVER HAVE TO WORK EVER

I mean, in the way that some charity moms never seem to do any actual work but are completely fulfilled and happy anyway. I think most of us would still do some work of some kind if we lived in a society where shit was free and people weren’t complete monsters who you could never trust with a society like that. None of us would wake up late and skip a shower because we have to start our 45 minute commute to a job where a boss is going to punch a new pussy hole in you because you were only five minutes early. We’d look at scenarios like that or the important days in our lives that we have to miss because that clock’s gotta be punched and be like, “No thank you, ugly life. I am good on you. Now I’m going to go eat Cheetos in my sweats until I can’t do that anymore and volunteer at a day camp for orphans.”

FOR THE POLICE TO CHILL OUT

Why can’t you just walk down the street in 2015 with a fat ass joint lit knowing that, even if it’s not necessarily LEGAL in your state, the police have better things to do? Actually, that’s from that song, “If I Ruled The World,” and Wyclef (I think?) is like, “Imagine smoking weed in the streets without cops harassing.” I AM imagining, and I LIKE IT! If the police would just chill out, you could toss your car in the handicapped spot for literally five minutes at 7-11 and it would be no big deal because, let’s be real, there are not a ton of driving handicapped people who are beating down the door at 7-11, burstin’ trying to get their mits on a 4 for $2 tacquito bag. I’m sorry, LAPD, I think more of the handicapped than that.