7 Really F*cking Obvious Health Hacks


I feel like I’m constantly seeing articles about fad diets and brand new “superfoods” and lists of supplements we should all be taking. It’s sort of weird that we have pieces like those floating around so often while the majority of this nation hasn’t seemed to have mastered the basics of human healthcare. Well, here’s where I come in to teach you 7 completely obvious but nonetheless often overlooked health hacks for your everyday life.

1. Don’t fucking smoke. What is this a goddam fucking western? What are you doing? If you’re smoking then you’re either completely insecure in the appearance you present to the world and use smoking as some kind of “edgy” crutch like teens who shop at Hot Topic or you’re voraciously addicted to a poison. In either case: cut it the fuck out. There are resources – paid government resources – to help make stopping as easy and seamless as possible. You will fucking die from cancer or a heart attack or else you’ll just look like shit. You’re an adult who lived through the last few decades so I don’t need to explain the statistics to you. Stop smoking. Give that $10 you were going to blow on that pack to fucking orphans or something.

2. Wear fucking sunscreen. All the time. No amount of tan ever made an unattractive person suddenly good looking. You’re either attractive or you’re not and some skin damage isn’t going to tip the scales. The sun is spraying your body is waves of radiation and slowly degrading your gene pool. You will get cancer or at the very least (much like smoking) look like shit in 5 years. Sunscreen is cheap and easy to apply. Come the fuck on.

3. Don’t drink soda. Or eat white bread. Or buy shit out of vending machines. What are you even doing? Food is meant to be fuel and building blocks from which our bodies power themselves. It can be an occasional source of comfort or social interaction but there is no reason to lean into it like some fucking crutch. If it’s not your birthday then don’t eat cake. Don’t go into a McDonalds. Just buy some vegetables like you’re not some bloated ignorant mess. Respect yourself.

4. Get up and go for a walk you piece of shit. Most of us are sitting at screens all the shitting time. Just get up sometimes. Go see what “outside” is like. There’s lot of it and lots to do and see out there. Maybe, just maybe, pick up the pace and jog a little. There are people with disabilities who would kill to be able to go for a simple stroll and you’re wasting that privilege and the entire glorious world around you for Candy Crush? Get a grip.

5. Wear a condom. Jesus Christ that is not that hard. They’re usually given away for free! Do you want a baby? Do you want HPV? Do you want HIV? Do you want genital herpes? Do you want the carry around an infection on what is probably the most valuable part of our fleshy forms? Of course you fucking don’t. Do you guys even know that the test for Chlamydia is? Not the treatment. The test. They stick a giant wooden q-tip DOWN YOUR DICKHOLE. That is not easier than slipping on a thing latex glove. Put one in your wallet. There is no excuse.

6. Brush your teeth. Floss. Use mouth wash. It’s fucking child level effort. Your mouth is a cesspool of bacteria and plaque at the end of the day. Clean it up. You expect people to kiss it. You put your food through it. It’s connected to all the major organs in your body. Disinfect it from time to time. Make sure your face doesn’t collapse into a rotting mess that some poor dentist has to reconstruct in 10 years. We have the technology.

7. Get insurance and go to the goddam doctor when you need to. I understand that insurance costs money but I’m gonna just jump right on ahead to the fact that medical bills cost considerably fucking more. Find coverage that works for your budget and go fucking get it. I guarantee it won’t take you more than a day to research it. Then put that shit to fucking use. Do you have a weird oozing bump on your head? GET IT LOOKED AT WHILE IT’S STILL CURABLE. There’s nothing more frustrating for a doctor or a patient than a disease that is simple to treat when caught early instead caught several months too late. Tell your work you need an hour and go to the fucking doctor.

You only have the one body. You’re very, very lucky if all the parts are working. Don’t fuck it up!