8 Items Of Clothing Not To Be Trusted


1. Baggy pants. There was a time when I preferred a man in pants so big I could get in there with him. It’s no coincidence that at the same time I wore hemp jewelry and thought 311 were the height of musical innovation. I like well fitting pants on a man these days; too-loose jeans indicate a severe allergy to maturity. Notice I said well fitting, not tight. Tight pants on a man indicate you are a fashion victim and wish to punish your balls for previous offenses.

2. Trench coats. People in trench coats are usually naked and just waiting to flash their scaly wieners at innocent young girls, or concealing numerous weapons that they will use to thoughtlessly mow down bystanders. I’ve never seen anyone normal looking in a trench coat, save for Inspector Gadget, and he was a goddamn robot to begin with.

3. Hooded sweatshirts. As illustrated by recent events, people in hooded sweatshirts should probably be shot on sight. Yeah sure, sometimes it’s only a teenager on his way to the store, but you really can’t take any chances. There could be a zombie under there, or maybe a trigger happy Charles Bronson devotee whose only job is taking it to the streets. If you don’t shoot first and ask questions never, many a window will be knocked on that night. And you don’t want that. That’s how Rome fell, I believe.

4. Fatigues worn during non-combat situations. Army green doesn’t conceal in the concrete jungle, moron.

5. Skin-tight sweat pants. I recently got the full view of some teenaged girl’s ass while she departed the stopped car in front of mine. Before you go all apesh-t, her ass was only appealing in the sense that it resembled a delicious Christmas ham. Had she gone up a size on her sweat pants I wouldn’t have this perverse anecdote.

6. Sunglasses. I’ll just defer to Hunter S. Thompson on this one:

“KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can’t find a rape victim.”

In other words, everyone in sunglasses is on drugs and in desperate need of a wash.

7. Bandannas. People who wear these are obviously in some kind of gang. They probably use them to mop up the blood spilled during one of their frequent liquor store smash and grabs/satanic sex orgies/initiation ceremonies, which I’m not supposed to talk about.

8. Fingerless gloves. They let everyone know that you mean business, as well as providing comfort in those times when your palms are freezing but your fingers are blistering hot.

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