9 Men In Tech And Whether Or Not You Should Sleep With Them


Disclaimer: We know that all of these dudes, regardless of their individual success level, have a healthy dose of High School Nerd Who Is Now Banging Supermodels Syndrome, and that no matter how many atheist-libertarian-Virgin-Atlantic rockets they send to Mars for no reason, they will never fully overcome their inherent need to prove something to the world at large. (Unless, of course, they are the other breed of Tech Magnate: the WASPy business bro who paid said nerds to do the work while they shake cufflinked, non-sweaty hands with investors.) This will probably manifest in them leaving you after many years of marriage for a 19-year-old lingerie model named Natalia who doesn’t speak English. But we can worry about that later.

1. Elon Musk: Businessman, Entrepreneur, Investor, Tony Stark

The Nerd That Gives All Nerds Hope, the genius who is technically adept and yet not-Aspergery enough to appear on talk shows and maybe even crack a lame joke, Elon Musk may be one of the most rare and precious catches in all of the tech world. While he occupies his days building spaceships, guilting you into buying an electric car, and finding new wives, his nights undoubtedly get lonely. It’s a lonely place at the top of the world, and it is even lonelier now that he has joined his be-toothed colleague Richard Branson in the illustrious Sending Shit Into Space business. If you can crack that hard shell of cold, calculated perfection, you can enjoy a night of passion while he spends his time angrily responding to emails from investors.

Bangability: Do it for the story, do it for the free trip to space.

2. Jonah Peretti: Founder of Buzzfeed

Jonah Peretti, AKA the Jeff Goldblum of the digital publishing world, AKA Yung Listicle, AKA Chelsea Peretti’s Hype Man, AKA Buzzfeed Bae, would be a solid hookup. After all, he’s a young-ish multi-millionaire media magnate who still chooses to dress like a Cool Dad, AND he operates in a world almost entirely dominated by GIFs of baby piglets learning to descend stairs. He is the Danny Tanner of the tech hookup: familiar, comforting, and something your mother would share on Facebook.

Bangability: WIN

3. Pete Cashmore: Founder, Mashable

This grown-ass man, and his razor-sharp, stubble-misted jawline, were the Twitter avatar of his media company for a full four years (???) before anyone on his team had the good sense to approach him and suggest that perhaps a logo of the company would be more fitting. I think this anecdote demonstrates all anyone needs to know about his boot-knocking potential.

Bangability: You better have mirrors, cause he’s gonna need to look intensely into them during the act.

4. Winklevoss twins: WASPs, Rowers, Investors (?), Notable for being played by Armie Hammer

Coming in strong behind Pete Cashmore in the Hilarious Things For Millionaire Grown-Ass Men To Do With Their Public Image department, the Winklevoss twins are notable for two things: trying to get hella alimony out of their asshole ex-husband Facebook, and wearing matching clothes on a regular basis even though they are in their mid-30s. I imagine that a roll in the hay with these two (and there is no way they have sex separately) would consist of a trip to Brooks Brothers, ten minutes of actual sex in the dressing rooms, followed by several hours’ worth of complaining about Mark Zuckerberg. (“But he’s a nerd! And we are rich and tall!”)

Bangability: Unless they are actually being played by Armie Hammer in real life, nah.

5. David Karp: Founder, Tumblr

He looks like the guy you had a crush on when you are 15, which makes sense, as the sexually-charged 15-year-olds that populate Tumblr refer to him grotesquely as “Daddy.” But they also make erotic fan fiction about Benedict Cumberbatch, so take that as you will.

Bangability: No self-respecting person should share an object of sexual interest with Tumblr, so no.

6. Evan Spiegel: Founder, Snapchat

Evan Spiegel, the tech industry’s most prominent Will Forte lookalike, is famous for three things: Turning down Mark Zuckerberg’s blood money, dating Taylor Swift, and creating an app where people put captions over selfies. He has a distinctly bro-y vibe about him, and undoubtedly skipped over the Crippling Nerd Phase that most wunderkinds of his stature have to experience. Because of this, he is probably a bit more well-adjusted when it comes to lovemaking, and would therefore be a pretty good move. That said, there isn’t enough Purell in the world to get the residual John Mayer off of him, transmitted via Taylor Swift.

Bangability: A scalding, Mayer-purifying shower, then hit it.

7. Steve Wozniak: Co-Founder, Apple

I think we all know that this understated, segway-riding Hot Piece of a man would be a dynamo in the sack.

Bangability: Yes, please!

8. Richard Branson: Entrepreneur, Possessor of teeth

While some may be quick to assume that Branson, with his flamboyant island parties, insistence on playing terrible house music in his airplanes, and crazy eye-twinkle that nearly distracts you from the lead-singer-of-Styx hairstyle, would be a superficial lover, I disagree. In fact, if you can avoid the always-chomping teeth, you will find a delicate soul with a charming British accent and a simple desire to romance his conquests. Allow him to take you on one of his tacky-ass planes to his most prized island full of naked tennis players, and he will serenade you for the rest of the three-day weekend.

Bangability: Much more loving than you would imagine it to be.

9. Mark Zuckerberg: Founder, Facebook; Wearer, Hoodies; Haunter, Winklevii dreams

Don’t let the nuanced Jesse Eisenberg portrayal fool you — that was just a movie. There is no way that real-life Zuckers is that devastatingly witty. In real life, he’s just another garden-variety nerd-savant who sociopathed his way into the geekiest possible version of world domination. Nothing to see here, and it’s just the same in the bedroom. You’ll come in expecting Eisenberg-level mental foreplay, and be left unsatisfied on his taupe-colored bedspread while he works on latest project and tells you to “go shopping or something.” That said, he does have lizard eyes that never close, and this could potentially manifest in some hot middle-of-the-night action. Might as well try.

Bangability: Do it, but don’t expect anything special.