Ridiculous Things I Believed As A Child

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  1. That a slice of American cheese on a piece of Wonder Bread, melted in the microwave, was a meal.
  2. That birds sometimes accidentally flew so high they ended up in heaven, and God politely sent them back down where they belonged, instead of yelling at them because he was a merciful God.
  3. That Twix bars were the best candy bar ever invented, because someone told me they were. I didn’t realize that I actually disliked Twix bars until I was an adult.
  4. That Koala Yummies were going to stop being made very soon, and we should buy them every time we saw them at the store just in case it was the last time.
  5. That my job title when I grew up would just be: Artist.
  6. That I couldn’t possibly ever grow tall enough to reach the end of my twin bed. This one was actually true.
  7. That you should hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery so you won’t end up dead and buried there. I still do this because you’ve gotta have some drama in your life sometimes, ya know?
  8. That Jack and Rose were just making out in the back of that car.
  9. That all boys were older than all girls, because my dad was older than my mom and my brother was older than me.
  10. That, despite thinking all boys were older than all girls, I was somehow also older than my brother because my birthday is a week before his every year.
  11. That my brother would actually get coal in his stocking because he was bad. He was terrible actually.
  12. That getting your period meant you peed blood. I always wondered why people wrote into those medical advice columns asking what it means if you have blood in your urine. I was like, “Um, HELLO! You’re going through The Big Change!”
  13. That my blankie was a girl. I’ve since learned that it was actually a boy.
  14. That all men drink beer and all women drink wine.
  15. That you continued to grow throughout your life, so the tallest person ever was probably someone’s great-grandpa.
  16. That my grandpa was 40 years old, because that was an old age.
  17. That white chocolate was just regular chocolate dyed with white food coloring. Also that white food coloring exists.
  18. That pork was the meat of a porcupine.

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