24 Things That Happen When You’re Planning Your Wedding

1. People will ask if you’re excited — and become concerned when you automatically cringe in agony — because weddings are fucking expensive and thinking about it hurts your soul.

2. You’re pretty much ready to go on your honeymoon when the wedding is still a few months out. Screw the wedding; just pass go and head straight for the god damn beach.

3. You quickly come to realize that the only difference between wedding decorations and regular decorations is the word ‘wedding’…  and a 50% markup.

4. People want to have deep, meaningful conversations with you about your color choices. Several people will probably think your color choices suck; this is apparently a big deal.

5. You realize weddings pretty much force you to rank your friends by degrees of importance. This can get really awkward. Everyone can be the Maid of Honor, right?!

6. You waste a ton of money on postage and invitations on the off-chance that your out-of-state family will send you a gift or money. They most likely will not send either.

7. You really just want everyone to give you money.

8. At least ten drunk people will tell you not to ‘do it’ if you’re foolish enough to mention your upcoming nuptials at a crowded bar.

9. You know that people will still have shitty things to say about your wedding planning/decorations despite the fact that they get free food and alcohol. They will probably bitch about having to bring a twenty dollar gift when each person cost you fifty to sixty bucks.

10. You then realize that you’re pretty much spending an ass-ton of money on a free party for everyone else.

11. You and your fiancée will lie awake at night talking about all the things you could be doing with your money. You’ll then fall asleep holding one another as though the apocalypse is coming. You’re kind of hoping it is.

12. You realize your grandma will be at the wedding and your mom will be pissed if you get drunk in front of her. You decide you’re going to get drunk anyway.

13. People seriously seem to expect you to have a substantial knowledge of color and flower meanings. Was there a college course I missed or something?

14. You discover the power of bachelorette parties and free alcohol. Also the creepy dudes that feel the need to say things like, ‘Are you sure you’re ready to just have one dick for the rest of your life?” You think maybe all the free whisky might be worth it though and seriously consider wearing your cheesy ‘Bride to Be’ sash every time you go out.

15. You and your fiancée become boring hermit people who make excuses to not go out because ‘fun money’ now has to pay for things like flowers and a violinist. Because you’re classy. You’re starting to understand why engaged people never go out.

16. Diet and exercise has taken on a whole, fun new meaning. You fully plan to eat everything you see on your honeymoon. Cheese, lots and lots of cheese.

17. You realize there is a major correlation to the closeness of your wedding date and how much you fantasize about eloping.

18. And then you remember all the deposits you made and curl up into a fetal position and daydream about cheese instead.

19. At least one friend will continually tell you how marriage is a broken institution and waste of everyone’s time. This person will still expect to be part of the bridal party.

20. Inevitably, someone you did not invite will ask you how they can RSVP for your wedding. This will be extremely awkward.

21. You’ll seriously consider quitting your job and joining the wedding planning business as it is apparently one giant scam… that you’ve totally sold your soul to.

22. You and your fiancée will get into arguments about things like seating arrangements, decoration choices, and what songs you want to play for what ‘special wedding moment.’ There will be blood spilt, or maybe just wine.

23. You swear to god that everyone better have a kickass time or you’re going to reenact the gym scene from Carrie during the Cupid Shuffle.

24. At least you and your fiancée are in it together — even at two in the morning, when you’re licking the envelopes of last minute invitations and everything in your house is mysteriously covered in glitter.