The Holiday Season Movie Review (So You Don’t Have To Watch Them)
It’s a frigid 60 degrees in Los Angeles and there is nothing better than spending the holiday break indoors, catching up on the latest films. No longer will I go into awards season placing blind bets – now is the time to watch the contenders. Like Roger and Ebert’s two thumbs up, I tend to have movie-induced narcolepsy, so I go by the two eyes open rating. Here are the films I’ve seen thus far. While many of the reviews you read online will go deep into dissecting the film, I offer you the opposite – my most surface, superficial observations. Suggested taglines and ratings included.
A Most Violent Year
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o87gG7ZlEAg&w=560&h=315]
- It’s 1981 – Michael Jackson isn’t the only one startin’ something.
- My generation of single girls has been trained to hunt for men in finance. But this movie brings up a valid point – oil is where it’s at.
- 2 Eyes Open
Men, Women & Children
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS7uc8OF6Rs&w=560&h=315]
- In the World Wide Web, we are the flies.
- Unlike Jennifer Garner’s daughter in the film, I’d get way more ass if my mom was pretending to be me online. Also, thank the lord I got out of high school before Facebook existed.
- 1 Eye Open
Foxcatcher
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8361stZ8n0w&w=560&h=315]
- If he doesn’t have any friends, that’s probably a sign…
- If I were a gay male, I’d 100 percent join the wrestling team. I haven’t seen a singlet like the once Channing Tatum stuffed himself into since a crazy night of dancing at the Abby. Also, I will always see Steve Carell as Michael Scott, even with a giant prosthetic nose on him. Cause really, how Michael Scott would it be to try and coach those wrestlers?
- 0 Eyes Open
The Imitation Game
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5CjKEFb-sM&w=560&h=315]
- The Greatest Nazi Killer of All – Math.
- I’m just gonna say it – I don’t get Benedict Cumberbatch’s appeal. Sorry Cumberbitches.
- 2 Eyes Open
The Interview
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpyVENBPj5c&w=560&h=315]
- This would never happen.
- Really? REALLY? This is what you’re freaking out about, KJU? You didn’t need to hack their emails to make them look bad; this movie does it all on it’s own. Also, what kind of Seth Rogan film involves zero marijuana consumption? I’ll tell you – a
bad one. - 1/2 Eye Open
Boyhood
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys-mbHXyWX4&w=560&h=315]
- Life’s a bitch and then ya die.
- Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you, Patricia Arquette’s character – you picked not one, but two, alcoholic husbands? Talk about having a type.
- 1 Eye Open
Obvious Child
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2GN3wdfqbA&w=560&h=315]
- First comes abortion, then comes love.
- I thought Jenny Slate was bat shit cray when I saw her perform at the Largo, but after this movie, I totally am on board with her. I found her amusing, relatable, and she did not bring up any feelings of wanting to punch her in the face.
- 2 Eyes Open
Nightcrawler
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8kYDQan8bw&w=560&h=315]
- Manipulating the news isn’t just for Fox.
- This town is filled with unemployed people with Canon HDs; get ready for the latest moneymaking craze.
- 1 Eye Open