12 Most Eligible Bachelorettes from The Simpsons

By Justin Sedgwick

Countless single yellow females from all backgrounds and plot motives have called Springfield home over the years. And even though many of the residents have become happily married, bitterly divorced and happily married again, there are still plenty of lavish ladies who are looking for a good animated man to show them a fun time.

These girls aren’t your typical three eyed dating pool fish. Their passions and interests range from anywhere from hastily marrying drunk Vegas tourists, gorging over employer-comped room service while holding nearly every profession (or lack thereof) in-between. So yellow up those OkCupid profiles and recalibrate your Tinder location to Springfield, because here are your 11 most eligible bachelorettes from The Simpsons.

12. Lindsay Naegle

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVlbGXh1WwI&w=584&h=390]

Many career-focused women can’t find the time for a relationship. But one of the biggest bullet points on Lindsay’s resume is her ability to multitask, ensuring you a lot of loverly time now, or if she’s not available, sometime in the next few months. Lindsay is also a member of the high IQ society Mensa, so you might get to meet Stephen Hawking if you date her!

11. Princess Kashmir (Homer’s Night Out)

If you can look past Princess Kashmir’s exotic dancing past, she will definitely serve as a strong partner in your relationship. You might need to make sure she has more suitable clothes for professional and family gatherings, but her entrancing looks will completely captivate you in the bedroom. Just no photographs, please.

10. Starla Starbeam (A Milhouse Divided)

Starla Starbeam is responsible for the hit romantic record “Can I Borrow a Feeling?”, performed by up and coming soul singer/former cracker executive Kirk Van Houten. She has one of the most expansive wig collections in Springfield, and despite her chain-smoking and heavy drinking tendencies, she’ll steal your car and drive you straight down lover’s lane.

9. Gloria Jailbird (A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love)

Gloria has a falsely earned reputation as a gold digger after dating the wealthy Mr. Burns. And her previous relationship with ex-convict Snake makes it reasonable to question her choice in men and faith in the justice system. But Gloria is perfect companion to tag on a summer stroll, just as long as Snake isn’t following your Facebook updates.

8. Ginger Flanders (Viva Ned Flanders)

Amber is a cocktail waitress and Las Vegas local who was briefly involved with and married to Ned Flanders. When she isn’t too busy getting hastily married to intoxicated out-of-towners, Ginger enjoys painting both her nails and the town red. She’s not too much into goody two-shoes like the Flanders, so don’t be too nice to this independent lady or you’ll bust.

7. Ashley Grant (Homer Badman)

The victim of Homer’s mistaken sexual harassment attempt is a devoted student and passionate activist. Ashley’s looking for someone who is in their 20’s, financially secure and not on the sex offender registry list. Her ideal night out includes having a thought provoking debate on gender politics and discussing the role of gummy Venus de Milo’s in the 21st century.

6. Becky (It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge)

She might have some extra baggage stemming from her wedding day fiasco with Otto. But Becky is cute and spritely enough to serve as a surrogate mother figure to your kids while also adding some much needed zest to your life. As an added bonus, her method of tying socks at their ends will ensure their elastic, and your mutual love, will never get worn out.

5. Ruth Powers (New Kid on the Block)

Ruth is not for everyone, as she’s been involved with and ditched by enough me to almost resent the masculine kind. But just show her love, earnest compassion and not be a bumbling drunk, and Ruth will prove to be a trusted partner in a long-standing relationship. Just make sure to make your child support payments on time, or your car may end up as a ghost.

4. Colette (Flaming Moe’s)

Moe’s Tavern isn’t typically a place to pick up chicks, but this bartendress will soothe your thirst and your heartstrings. Colette’s interests include tending drinks batting off barflies, and coming up with witty, sitcom-esque one-liners. She may remind you of a certain waitress from “Cheers”, but Colette’ smart and edgy attitude are truly all her own.

3. Rachel Jordan (Alone Again, Natura-Diddily)

More for the religious types but still enough confidence and cool to suit non-believers, Rachel Jordan will infect your love life with some much needed spiritual sexuality. Rachel enjoys rocking out as the lead singer of Kovenant and praising the mighty man above the clouds. Just make sure not to cut off her hair when she’s sleeping, she might be creeped out.

2. Lurleen Lumpkin (Colonel Homer)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHShkL8Bp7o&w=584&h=390]

There’s just something about that accent, so cute and lovable but undeniably sexy. And there’s nothing more appealing about a woman who holds no apprehension in singing her life’s yarns to the world. Lurleen may have gone through a rough patch after her career went sour leading to her sleeping in a ditch. But when Lurleen asks you to bunk with her tonight, boy howdy you better say yes.

1. Mindy Simmons (The Last Temptation of Homer)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNZmqtzoYaY&w=584&h=390]

Who wouldn’t want a woman who was smart, beautiful and gorged over double glazed donuts? Mindy kind of has a thing for bald, overweight married men. But as long as you can keep up with her ferocious appetite and share her passion for free hotel toiletry items, fortune cookie says you’ll have a lasting love with Mindy.