I’m Scared Of How Much I Like You

I’m scared that I’m going to screw everything up. That the unhealthy relationships I grew up around are going to rub off on me, despite my best efforts to be a model girlfriend. I don’t want unfair insults to dribble out of my mouth during fights, because it runs in my genes. Because I don’t know what a functional relationship actually looks like.

I’m scared that I’m not ready for a serious relationship. That I don’t have enough practice. That you’re eventually going to realize that I’m fumbling around, clueless. That I can’t figure out how to cook a meal that feeds two or how to form the right words to apologize after an argument.

I’m scared that keeping love alive is going to be as difficult as everyone says it is. That we’re going to wake up one day, worn out and raggedy, and decide to give up on us. That we’d be better off hanging out at bars at two in the morning and bringing home randoms, because flings are more fun. Because they require half as much work.

I’m scared that you’re going to hover on the edge of cheating. That you’ll find another girl, a younger girl, and start looking at her the way you’ve always looked at me. That you won’t cross the barrier and kiss her, but you’ll want to. That you’ll shy away from me, but will never actually leave, because you’re such a good guy.

I’m scared that all of our planning for the future was pointless. That the skeptical girl I used to be, the one that didn’t believe in love like we have, was actually right. That I’ve gotten more naive since I’ve met you, and not wiser. That what we have is temporary, even though we’ve been promising forever.

I’m scared that, years down the line, I’m going to end up caring about our relationship more than you do. That I’m going to put more energy and effort into the relationship than you do. That you’re going to casually refer to me as your ball and chain, as the woman you’re stuck with, while I obsessively find ways to keep you interested in me.

I’m scared that you’re going to break my heart — not by being an asshole and emotionally abusing me until I crack. I’m worried that you’re going to treat me well. That you’re going to be everything I’ve ever dreamed of, that you’ll give me the best years of my life, and then we’ll end up breaking up on a technicality. That our careers or our differing opinions on kids will force us apart, even though we still love each other.

I’m scared that I’ll lose you, the person I was always meant to align with, even though we both want to stay together. Even though we’re miserable apart.

I’m scared that love won’t be enough to keep our relationship intact.