This Time I’m Choosing To Fall In Love With My Life, Not A Person

Here’s the thing about endings: We are never truly ready for them. Heartbreak is the only pain I have ever felt that deep.

So much time has passed; my heart has almost recovered, and for the first time, I see you. All sides of you. The version of you that I loved and hated—the one that broke my heart and the one that was hurting before you ever met me. I forgive you, not because you need it, but because I see you. The version of you that had the ability to make me feel so alive and present. The one who watched shooting stars with me on the beach during those dark summer nights. The one who made me step out of my comfort zone in every aspect. Those memories are alive in my heart.

I forgive the version of you that didn’t make the best choices. Your past trauma was yours to heal; that was your journey. I loved you, and I’m sorry for creating madness with you—I stayed too long when you weren’t even sure what part of you felt broken.

Maybe I was so used to the pain that I was afraid to be happy. Being happy meant making choices I wasn’t used to making.

For a little while, I was trapped in my own personal hell—I lost myself. It’s hard to let go of the person I once thanked God for, but perhaps I needed to trust that you were the reason for my own inner work and healing. My own personal awakening.

I realized you don’t have to come out of this as the old version of you; maybe it’s the newly improved version. The version that is ready to create a life that’s already fulfilling so that meeting someone else would just be an added bonus. And if they chose to leave, you aren’t left broken, haven completely lost yourself.

Own where you are and fall in love with the idea of where you’re headed.