17 Things You Are Not Allowed To Love Because You’re An Extrovert

1. Blankets.

You’re cold? Lol lies. Extroverts don’t get cold. And on the off chance that you really think you could use a nice little throw to warm up your toes? Forget about it. All that socialization can keep you warm, fool.

2. Glasses.

You have social skills and get your energy from engaging with people, you don’t deserve any quirk. Zero quirk for you. Can’t see? Talk to someone. They’ll lead the way.

3. Sipping Tea.

You are far too obnoxious and insane to enjoy something so serendipitous and as peaceful as a fine chamomile.

4. People who prefer texting to talking.

Words? Over a screen? How evolved. You need to say everything in your OUTSIDE VOICE and texting doesn’t permit that. Phone calls are always the way (situation and appropriate time and amount of a signal be damned) for you.

5. Reading.

You’re an extrovert. You can’t read. Reading is for people who are misunderstood and mysterious, and no one who was ever described as “adorably perplexing with her delicate nose in a book” had an E at the front of her MBTI type.

6. When plans don’t happen.

You love all plans. You live for every plan. If you don’t make at least a 30 minute appearance and announce yourself with your OUTSIDE VOICE at every plan that has ever planned you will decompose.

7. Tumblr.

If the social media platform isn’t yet another way for you to show off how FUN you are through captions and videos of you lip syncing to “Formation” for the umpteenth time, it is pointless.

8. Alone time.

Extroverts will become paralyzed if left alone. Fact.

9. Pretending to text when you feel awkward.

You never feel awkward. You want to make eye contact with every person on every street, and never feel unsafe walking home alone. Pretending to type on your iPhone 6+ with a sparkly case stamped with the word, “Hello!” on it would deter you from your extroversion, and you would never want that.

10. Staying in.

Every plan that’s ever planned. Unless the plan is “House Party for 150+ (black tie optional BYOB)” there is no reason to be at home.

11. The rain.

Again, feeling comforted by rainy days is for introverted intellectuals. Unless you are trolloping through puddles and pissing people off by splashing them, stop pretending like you LIKE the drizzly, melancholy weather, you extroverted scum.

12. Going to bed early.

“You can sleep when you’re dead.” — Ghandi, a known extrovert.

13. Hating small talk.

There’s no such thing as a stupid question, a pointless conversation, or an interaction you don’t love. You love all talking that has ever happened. You wish you could talk always. With a megaphone. About anything. Ever. Duh.

14. Movie marathons.

Netflix binges were created for introverts, and introverts only. Go do something else with your simple-minded self. Like roll down hills or run laps outside around the block until you tire yourself out. You might talk during the movie and that is something we cannot allow you do and ruin with your personality.

15. Creative outlets.

You have an extroverted personality so you’ve always felt heard and understood. You don’t need something like art or writing to release your thoughts and feelings into the universe. That’s what your OUTSIDE VOICE is for.

16. Slippers.

Having interests that are “adorkably grandma” is something exclusive and pure for the introverts of the world. You’re also not allowed to like knitting, hard candy, scrapbooking, sitting on the couch with a forbidden blanket on your lap, pre-paid cellphones, Florida, casseroles, or The Golden Girls.

17. Having a close circle of friends.

You know what the world is filled with? 7 billion people. You know what those 7 billion people are? Friends you haven’t made yet. And yes, you’ll like every. last. one of them. Yes, even people who liked The Butterfly Effect. Yes, even people who still pronounce “spaghetti” as “sketti.” Yes, even Putin. All friends, all the time.