I Entered That Contest To Go Wine Tasting With Jennifer Lawrence And Here Are All The Reasons I Deserve To Win

Honestly, we’d be best friends, and here’s why.

1. J. Law recently got into a “bar fight” aka spilled multiple beers all over a man AND his luggage because he said “Fuck you” when she refused to take a selfie with him.

I recently kicked a stranger in the shin at a HAIM concert because he plowed right into me to stand closer to the stage. It took me three tries (aka I missed the first two times) before my foot finally connected with his leg.

2. She once threw up on Guy Oseary’s porch at his Oscar party and Miley Cyrus told her to “Get it together…”

I once threw up in my elevator, and even though I cleaned it up, and the building has had the carpet cleaned multiple times, a little stain shows back up every other month, like a ghost. And even though little stain ghosts can’t talk, I know it’s just yelling, “SHAME. SHAME. SHAME,” haunting me personally, forever.

3. She’s friends with super brilliant comedian Amy Schumer, and they wrote a screenplay together.

 I made some friends in my Second City improv class, and sometimes we say funny things to each other.

4. She’s from Kentucky.

I grew up in the Chicago suburbs, and the Internet seems to be inconclusive about what region of the U.S. Kentucky really belongs to, but for the purpose of our future friendship, I choose to think we’re just a pair of Midwestern girls.

5. She loves to swear. Enough to do a segment on Conan about it.

 Ditto. F*cking ditto. Except I’ve never been invited on a talk show to do it…

6. That time she fell on the way to accept her Oscar.

 I’ve never won an Oscar, but I have fallen plenty of times. On roller blades. In heels. The only bone I’ve ever broken was my big toe, and it’s because I tripped over a curb in flats.

7. She handled her nudes scandal with class and composure.

 There are several photos of me on the internet from college where my skin is oompa loopma orange, but I’m too lazy to delete them from my social media accounts, and sometimes my friends share them from their “time hop” without asking, so I really get what she means about privacy.

8. She dated Chris Martin.

I listened to A Rush of Blood to the Head on repeat throughout most of middle school.

9. She is an independent woman and owns her own home, where she lives with her dog, Pippi.

 Me too, girl. Except I rent my own apartment. And instead of a dog, I have like a really soft blanket that’s fun to cuddle with and doesn’t require feeding or walking, or any sort of responsibility or commitment.

10. She had a tent where she could watch the Kardashians after the emotionally taxing shoots for mother!

 Or as I like to call it, a trip to my mom’s house.