4 Games For Depressed People
1. Doom
Players compete to determine who can go the longest avoiding phone calls, texts, voicemails, and emails. Points are only awarded to players who avoid all four communication methods the longest. Players earn additional points based on form and demeanor; judges scrutinize the level at which the player is ‘actually’ unreasonably ‘afraid’ of checking her cell phone and email account and Sudden Death rounds require a heart rate monitor to determine the extent to which electronic communication produces anxiety. Additional points can be gained by staying in bed the duration of the game, prolonged masturbation, overfantasizing about exes, etc.
2. Super Depression Bowl
Simple competition in which players attempt to create and consume increasingly depressing meals more simultaneous times than thier opponents. Typical ‘moves’ include pairing a 40 oz Natural Ice with anything, sandwiching lunchmeat between industrial-grade pastries (Cinnabon, Dunkin Donuts), creating themed ‘depression bowls’ (hence the name of the game). Points are awarded for level of bleakness and how long the diet can be maintained; additional points are accrued by lack of creativity and extremely low mobility levels while in competition.
3. Self-Loathing Master
Players are scrutinized for level of paralyzing self-awareness and feelings of alienation at social gatherings at which members are typically expected to imbibe, socialize, and hit on each other. Points are gained by minimizing eye contact, speaking in an inaudible mumble, and failing miserably with the preferred sex; they’re deduced for getting one’s point across, showing enthusiasm, shaking hands, sharing smiles. Players in this game are often known to make large gains in points by performing ‘special moves’ such as sitting in the corner, alone, with a ‘don’t talk to me’ facial expression while looking at their cell phone, stealing, and taking large amounts of Xanax, which generally renders the player incomprehensible and by all accounts creepy. Each person in the competition must get kicked out of the party by the host for ‘being weird’ or having ‘bad vibes’ for the round to end.
4. Max Pain
Competition in which players attempt to record more self-defeating toxic strings of logic than their competitor. Results are judged not only on quality, but how tangential and unreasonable the thoughts appear to the objective judge. Judges also assess form and creativity, including the player’s ability to turn value neutral events into perceptions that the universe has conspired against them and frequency at which competitor is able to ‘sh-t talk’ inanimate objects for somehow causing hindrance to the player or merely existing, in general. Extra points are awarded for performing ‘combos,’ or coupled ‘moves’ during which a player simultaneously loathes himself for a situation beyond his control and blames an unrelated entity, a known entity, or the universe for his position in life.