How To Have An American Summer — According To Pottery Barn

Sometimes I just forget how to be American. Luckily, every year right before Memorial Day a nice thick magazine from Pottery Barn arrives at my doorstep reminding me how to do so.

I don’t know about you, but without this guide from PB I would be lost all summer long!

How To Be American Part 1.

Item E. American Flag Print Pillow made in (wait for it!) AMERICA. Obviously.

$49.50- That’s a steal if ever I’ve seen one. I’ll order ten. Make that 100.

How many USA flag pillows is too many to put out on one’s couch? Trick question! There’s no such thing as too many USA flag pillows.

Item B. Party Caddy, $99

Item C. Pennants, $12.50

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to summer barbecues over the years and looked around and thought, sure this party is fun, but you know what would make it really fun? A wicker party caddy! Now the real party can start.

And miniature penant flags for condiments? LOVE IT. That’s just American is what it is. We love condiments and we love mini flags. God bless.

Item E. Red Ant Placecard Holder, $22

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve set out name tags during the summer and thought to myself, man I sure wish I had some decorative ants to hold these name tags, I would have at least $7! At least! And at only $22 a piece Pottery Barn is practically giving away these ants. For this price you couldn’t even afford to grow your own ant farm.

Item D. Travel Bar, $199.

Get out of my head, Pottery Barn! Better yet, get out of my dad’s head! He has been asking for a “travel bar picnic basket” for Father’s Day for the past ten years now! I’ve searched high and low but just have never been able to find the right alcohol basket that really screams “dad,” while also being fully functional by including all four of the necessary wine tools one needs to drink wine. That is until now. You’ve done it again, PB. My dad is going to love this, now he never has to stop drinking!

Item G. Red Wagon Party Bucket, $159

Just like the one I used to ride in when I was little. But now instead of carrying children it carries ice and vodka. If this isn’t American, I don’t know what is. USA! USA! USA!

Item J. Distressed Wooden Oars, set of 3 only $119!

Yes, yes and yes. You know where these would go great? Right next to the wall where I have my decorative canoes hung. Which of course are right by the retro kayaks. With the focal point being the weathered white water rafting raft I have hanging from the middle of my ceiling with the nautical mood lights attached.

Item C. Punched Hanging Lanterns, Large $149 $104

Thank God these were decreased to only $104, because at $149 I was going to have to question them for a second. But $104 for a hanging lantern is totally practical. Because hanging lanterns are totally practical. If you think you have enough hung from your outdoor beach ceiling do yourself a favor and hang ten more! Then 50 more. And then maybe just maybe, you’ll start feeling like an American.

Item A. Mason Jar Drink Dispenser, $69

Um yes! Finally a drink dispenser just for my mason jars. I’m so tired of my masons having to share drink dispensers with all of my other common glasses. Enough is enough! Let’s stop pretending that all of our glasses are equal, because they’re not! Drinking from jars just feels right, it’s what we were born to do.

Items A-Z. MORE LANTERNS, $49.50-$900.00

Please don’t make me regurgitate what I’ve already said. Americans LOVE lanterns. Our country was founded on them. If you don’t love them too that probably means you hate America. And why would you hate America? Show some patriotic pride, why don’t you?

I think Pottery Barn has made their point.

God bless this sweet sweet country we love in.