A Fiction Writer Applies For A Job In Finance



Nathan Savin Scott. I’d go by Nathan Scott but apparently there’s already a writer by that… well, I guess that doesn’t matter now, anyway. Call me Nate. Or call me whatever you want. Sir.

Why do you want to join our team?

You know how they always say, “money doesn’t buy you happiness?” Well, I think I’d like to find out for myself. Plus you guys all wear really cool suits and somehow get to pull off the slick-backed hair look, which I think might get me laid. Also every movie I’ve seen has shown you guys doing a lot of cocaine and hookers, and while I don’t have much experience in either of those, uh, mediums, they sure seem like fun.

Why do capital expenditures increase assets (PP&E), while other cash outflows, like paying salary, taxes, etc., do not create any asset, and instead instantly create an expense on the income statement that reduces equity via retained earnings?

What now?

Walk me through a discounted cash flow.

I’d prefer not to.

Why are increases in accounts receivable a cash reduction on the cash flow statement?

Because, as Shakespeare once penned, fair is foul. And foul, sir, foul is fair.

What is a deferred tax asset and why might one be created?

A deferred tax asset is a tax asset who didn’t get into its first choice of tax asset college in the early decision round, got deferred, and now has to apply regular decision.

How and why would you choose to buy a particular stock?

Pure gut feeling. Remember in Forrest Gump when Lieutenant Dan bought Forrest some Apple stock and Forrest was too stupid to understand that Apple wasn’t a fruit company, but it made him like a hajillionaire anyway? I’d like to take a Gumpian sort of so-stupid-it-just-might-work approach to buying stocks. Either that or just listen in on people who sit near me and steal their ideas.

What skills can you bring to our firm?

Um, I’m guessing from observing the people I know who work in finance, you’re looking for an aggressive, confident, team-player who isn’t afraid to grab the bull by the horns. I’m not really any of those things, but I don’t know, if you guys have any need for someone to drink a lot of coffee and sit quietly in a corner for hours, brooding, well, I am your man.

Do you have any questions for us?

So do you guys, like, provide the cocaine and hookers? Or do we have to find those for ourselves? I wouldn’t even know where to begin to look. Google?

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