All The Thoughts I Think At Planned Parenthood


Argh it’s early. Why do I always make early appointments? Next time I’m going to make my appointment at a reasonable time (Note: next time I will make my appointment at the exact same early time as this one).

Oh my God security. What do I have on me? Matches! Can you bring matches into Planned Parenthood? Shit I am going to be MORTIFIED if I get in trouble from security. Mace? No I don’t have mace. I should have mace though. I lied and told my dad I did. Man, he’d be so mad if he knew I was walking around without mace. Where do you even get mace?

There are a lot of guys in the pre-waiting room waiting room. How did the bitches inside whip their boyfriends so hard that they came to Planned Parenthood at 8am on a Wednesday morning just to sit in a separate room while their girlfriend gets a pap? I have a lot to learn from these women.

There’s really nothing like a Planned Parenthood waiting room to remind you that there’s someone for everyone.

There’s no TV in here. Fucking shit God damn. The only reason I make my appointments early is so I can watch Kelly and Michael. I guess I will just have to play Candy Crush saga. I wonder how long I can make these 5 lives last.

So much paperwork. Do people with insurance have this much paperwork every time?

“Is your relationship exlusive” YES.

“Could your partner be sleeping with other people?” YES/NO/DON’T KNOW. Nothing like Planned Parenthood to remind you that it’s always a possibility that the person you love could be out lovin’ others. Oy. Actually I circle no. NO because my boy is a no box kinda guy. Is it weird if I draw a little love heart next to the box just to make my point really clear?

“How many sexual partners have you had?” Question mark. That seems like a good answer: let me answer your question with ANOTHER question.

They just called out Crystal V. Haha. Her V is crystal. Fancy. I am definitely mature enough to be here.

Katherine G. Yeah that’s me. Oh wait. There’s another Katherine G here. Fuck that bitch.

OK it’s been an hour since I my appointment time and they still haven’t called me. I wonder if people with insurance have to wait this long.

OK! It’s me this time! Time to be questioned by a nurse who will no doubt be eating.

She’s not eating! Praise Kelly Ripa, finally a nurse who’s not eating on the job.

I am unreasonably terrified of the blood pressure test. No grown-up should be this afraid of having their upper arm squeezed a little.

Is it weird if I tell the nurse I’m on my moon cycle? That’s what all the instructors at yoga call it, I guess to confuse the dudes in class when we need to opt out of inversions.

Great, now another hour long wait for the actual doctor.

Haha, the way these people are posed on the front of his herpes pamphlet looks like an ad for a crime show. Law & Order: Herpes Unit.

Damn it I wish this bitch next to me would leave so I could pick up the herpes pamphlet. I don’t have herpes, I just want to take a photo of it and put it on Twitter with my hilarious joke. Actually, what do I care if she thinks I have herpes, she probably has herpes.

Good, she’s gone. Time to bring the LOLZ!

Ergh, this new bitch that just sat down next to me is absolutely not going to make those hideously loud sucking sounds on her lollipop is she? I need to move, it’s too early for this shit. What if she thinks I’m moving because of her? What if she thinks I have herpes? Fuck it, she probably has herpes, I’m moving.

That’d be right, just as I move I get called into the doctor.

So there’s a doctor, and a student doctor. The student is going to examine me. I wonder if people with insurance have students examining them. I wonder a lot of things about people with insurance. Are they offered chilled white wine on arrival?

She looked at my titties and didn’t tell me they are nice. Should I be offended?

Someone should tell this student she’s not trying to re-shape my fat when she’s giving me a breast exam. She’s being too rough. If anything, this is only going to contribute to breast cancer. Isn’t that what you said in school? If you got hit in the boobs you get cancer? That’s what this feels like.

Oh and now she’s going in for the ovarian cyst feel with all the grace of a pubescent boy.

Finally, it’s over. Blah, blah, blah, doctor says words. Just give me my pill, I need a coffee.

Holy Jesus is that guy holding his girlfriend’s pee cup? Seriously, what are these women doing to make their men so complicit?

Back to the waiting room. Katherine G again. Which one of us is it this time eh? Time to play contraceptive pill roulette, I guess!

Success! It’s me. Time to get outta here, suckas. And only 2.5 hours later! Man all the dudes waiting out here look beat down. I hope everything is OK with their lady friends. Or dude friends. They could be gay. I don’t know.

image – Planned Parenthood