All You Do Is Watch Law And Order: SVU. Are You Okay?


Knock knock.

Hey buuuuddy.

Just wanted to check on how everything’s going in here. Looks…all right. You’re still in the same spot I left you in oh, sixteen hours ago so…that’s good.

I see you ordered some Chinese from that place down the block. Nice. You’re eating. Great great. I also uh, LOVE that sweatshirt. So glad you’ve been wearing it for the past like, three days is it? Just terrific. Haven’t really heard the shower running or you know, anything like that but right on. You do you.

Listen, friend. Can we chat? Because from my room, I can sort of vaguely hear sounds that come from your room and you’ve pretty much just been watching Law and Order: SVU, like, exclusively. I can hear the strains of the opening music repeatedly and the “dun dun” of between the scenes whenever I do anything. Just over and over again. It’s been this way for hours, days, weeks. I hear the theme music as I fall asleep at night. I can recite the opening voice over. I hear ADA Cabot yelling at Elliot Stabler in my head. I have sex dreams about BD Wong. It’s just all SVU, all the time with you.

And sure, any show that I could hear would be annoying on some level. And yeah, I even really enjoy the team of Benson and Stabler. I watch my fair share of SVU too. But look. It’s more than that. That’s the reason I came in here to check on you. It’s the combination of actions and choice of show. I just…I am worried. Can I say that? That I’m worried?

You’ve been watching a show about violent sexual assaults and child-murders on loop. You’re like a guy from A Clockwork Orange, with your eyelids propped open, taking in nothing but dead bodies and rape victims. Don’t you feel a bit…desensitized?

I’m not trying to judge. I’m just expressing concern based on what I see happening here, the downward spiral you’re clearly in the midst of.

Are you okay?

Because watching SVU all the time is kind of a red flag and…

Okay, great. You’re looking at me now for the first time. Heeeey. Hi. Yep. I’ve been talking for the past, oh, few minutes or so. Why don’t we pause the TV for a second and…no? We shouldn’t? Uh, okay. Okay, I’m letting go of the remote. I’m letting go. There. It’s yours.

Yeah, this is a GREAT one. The twist at the end, whew. I did not see that coming. And yep, that guest star is incredible. Definitely creepy as hell. …Hey, how about we just turn it down a little bit? Just turn down the volume? Yeah? There we go.

Okay. Listen to me. I know the world is bleak. I know maybe you’re in a dark head space and it’s helpful to think of Benson and Stabler out there cleaning up the streets of New York. Maybe you’re depressed, and hearing story after story about murder and rape only confirms the anxiety and sadness you feel. And that’s cool. That’s, I guess, healthier than other stuff you could be doing. But just…take a break maybe? Because anyone watching this much SVU is not okay. They’re either wallowing about something or they’re also a pedophile murder-rapist…

You’re not a…


So anyway. I’ll just leave you to it then and uh, show myself out. Yep. Okay. All hail Dick Wolf.

Good chat then.

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