An Inner Monologue At A Hot Yoga Class

Wow it’s hotter than I remember. Is it always this hot? Is this even safe? Maybe I should just peace it… Shoot! The instructor already saw me, its fine, I’m going to be fine. This can’t be that bad, I mean people do it all the time; really it’s no big.

I definitely shouldn’t have eaten that burrito for lunch…

Should I raise my hand to indicate I don’t want hands-on adjustments? I mean I really don’t want to be touched, but I feel like the instructors always judge the people who raise their hands. Okay, I’m feeling lucky today and I’ll just meditate hard that they won’t touch me.

Intention for today’s class…hmmm…serenity, fulfillment, don’t get touched, don’t throw up burrito.

Okay downward dog, I can do this, I’m a goddess! Wait don’t lift your leg that high, you’ll definitely queef, don’t queef, don’t queef.

Ugh how does that girl look so good right now? No one should look so hot while this hot.

Oh my god I’m going to throw up, holy shit, abort abort, this is not a drill, come on mind over matter, I WILL NOT THROW UP. I WILL NOT GIVE THE STUPID GIRL NOT STRUGGLING AT ALL THE SATISFACTION.

What is that smell? Oh my god what is that…? Is that me? Nope, definitely not me. Thank god. Oh damn, it’s the guy next to me. How does he even make that smell? Is it B.O.? Who comes to a hot yoga class without deodorant on? Oh man what if he did put it on and he just naturally smells like that? That must be a tough life. Why do guys smell worse than girls in general? These are the questions that plague my mind.

Yeah my body does not move like that…

Please don’t touch me, please don’t touch me, I’m so gross and sweaty and your hands will just slip off me, I already know I’m doing the pose wrong, I just don’t move like that. Seriously sister just keep on walking, ope nope you’re here, yeah that does not feel good at all…

That person’s sweat just flew from their body and landed on mine…don’t freak out, you’re just as gross as them, but still ew, like really, this is too gross.

Don’t slip, don’t slip!

What am I going to eat after this? Oh my god I can’t wait to get a burger. With mushrooms and bacon and fries. Food will get me through.

How do that girl’s boobs look so good? Like I didn’t know boobs could be so perky in a sports bra. Wow…that’s just really impressive…I should ask her after class where she got that bra.

Ha ha someone just farted! Thank god it wasn’t me! Farts are funny.

Water, get in my mouth! Seriously. Right now.

If I do this everyday will I get as nice a yoga booty as the instructor?

When is this going to be over? Is this almost over? Why are there never any clocks in yoga studios?

Oh my god, this is one of the last poses, yes! I almost did it! This is amazing, I survived and didn’t even throw up and now I get a burger! I could keep going forever, that wasn’t even that hard, what was I even complaining about?

Happy baby pose? More like unhappy baby pose…I cannot possibly be the only person who can actually hear their spine skin crackling along the floor.

SAVASANA HELL YEAH.

Wait why is the instructor talking? Did I pass out?? Oh no I just fell asleep, it’s fine. Ugh I don’t want to move though, I could literally lay here forever. Best two minutes of my day.

I am a goddess, I am a queen, I rock. NAMASTE (and time for nomz.)